January 30, 2013
In yesterday’s State of the Union address, the Glorious and Most-Revered President Obama reassured Americans that the state of the union is exactly what and where he and his administration wants it to be and laid out a few of his goals for the coming year.
The president, speaking in a commanding tone he’s not assumed since 2009, assured Americans that the national debt being just over $16 trillion dollars is a boon to the American economy. Citing the import of borrowing more than forty cents on every dollar, President Obama explained that debt is positive and is building confidence in the American dollar because so many people are betting on its failure. This, he states with pride, is causing the stock market to roar with a bullish fever that he is assured will help build the government’s coffers and thus improve the life of every American.
How this will happen is not entirely clear, but we at Fuzzy’s News Network (FNN), have every confidence in our Dear Leader. Stating that by 2016 he hopes to have the national debt up to $20 trillion, thus further improving the lives of every day Americans, President Obama laid out his plans for achieving this seemingly impossible goal. FNN is confident that this president–more than any other–is capable not only of achieving but of actually surpassing this modest goal (after all, this most extraordinary president managed to add $5 trillion in national debt in under four years!).
Following is an overview of two important new initiatives the administration is planning for the near-term:
Taxation of health insurance benefit potential.
This is a widely-hailed and much-supported initiative that will create $15 trillion–give or take $15 trillion–in new revenue for the federal government. In last night’s address to an adoring nation, the president used his popular Affordable Healthcare Act’s requirement that all children up to the age of 26 be permitted to stay on their parents’ health insurance as an example of how this new policy will be implemented. Each child of “working age,” excepting those still in college, will have the cost of the healthcare insurance they are provided designated as income, and that income will then, of course, be taxed. Therefore, each qualifying individual will be afforded the patriotic experience of being taxed on their health benefits. This, the president intoned, will have a dual effect: the child–up to the age of 26 and receiving health insurance benefits on their parents’ plan–will be a part of the American Dream, paying for their benefits as if they were actually responsible adults; further, the government will receive taxes on the “income” generated by this policy.
The president also added that the same policy will be implemented for each insured American citizen–except for children, who are so-designated if they are up to the age of 26 and their health insurance is provided for by their parents–for health insurance benefits, with each policy’s potential expenditure for each year treated as income. To evaluate the potential income for each American citizen, the president is setting up numerous committees who will determine how much each American citizen would receive from the minimum government-mandated insurance policy. For example, the president related the experience of a fan who’d written to him that she had been diagnosed with four kinds of cancer, needed a heart transplant, and was also suffering from painful bunions. The new Health Insurance Potential Cost-As-Income Committee will tally the costs of treating such severe conditions, add in the government-required coverage for prostate exams (for women) and gynecological and breast exams (for men), and then add that total to the insured’s gross income for taxation purposes.
This is a wonderful idea because the costs of such treatments could easily be tens of millions of dollars; this will appeal, the president asserts, to Republicans who are always seeking to broaden the tax base. With this plan, every single American will be a millionaire! No president in the history of the United States has presided over an economy that created so many millionaires, and this unprecedented accomplishment will surely garner support from Republicans, who, after all, love creating millionaires.
Taxation for beautification.
President Obama announced that now that American tax payers are paying for everyone’s birth control, abortion-on-demand, and sex reassignment surgeries, it’s time to assess the import to self-esteem and personal fulfillment that accompanies these great (taxed, see above) benefits. To this end, the president read a letter from a teenager who lamented that she was unable to afford tattoos, breast augmentation, anal bleaching (bleaching of the area around one’s anal opening), body piercings, tanning, and clitter (glitter for one’s vagina). She told the president that she felt suicidal because her human rights were being suppressed. Expressing his great sorrow at this growing predicament of so many Americans, the most benevolent, most high Obama proclaimed that starting in June of this year, body beautification would be his priority and that he would work with Congress to ensure that all Americans can obtain whatever tattooing, augmentations (etc.), bleachings, piercings, tanning, and clitter that they need to make them happy and contented as human beings. “Ensuring that our fellow Americans feel good about themselves is who we are as a people,” the president asserted.
Citing a study that proves beyond any reasonable doubt that bigger breasts and a white butt hole lead to personal satisfaction and increased productivity, the president promised that by the end of the year every person in America–citizen or not, male or female or in between–will be able to acquire the beautification they desire for free. This free benefit will be paid for by a $35 individual monthly surcharge to American citizens to the federal government. This new “direct tax” will be a model, the president promises, for future initiatives that guarantee each American’s pursuit of happiness. The president did note, in his great and supreme wisdom, that this amount may change depending on how many foreign tourists, illegal immigrants, and American citizens seek the great and enduring benefits of pierced nipples and a lack of tan lines.