Drinking and Driving and Talking on the Cell Phone, Oh My!


So I’m driving along the interstate minding my own business when my cell phone rings. I’d love to report that I followed suggested practice and pulled over to the side of the road, came to a complete stop, put on my flashers, and THEN answered it. But I didn’t. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me to do so. Okay, shrug I, I’ll answer it. No hands free for me, no sirree. So I answer, and it’s my best friend calling about some wonderful thing that happened. I’m listening and listening. And listening. Then I notice I’m thirsty, so I hold the steering wheel still (straight interstate) with my knee, scrunch my cell between my ear and shoulder, and reach for my Sprite Zero (blech, btw), uncap it, and it spurts all over. Gah! So I’m dripping Sprite all over and grabbed the wheel with my phone holding arm, so naturally the phone slides down onto the floor. Gah! Grrr!

Yes, yes, I’m an accident waiting to happen.

So I reach down for the phone first (she’s my best friend after all) and find that she’s still talking. Whew! Then I check the console for that giant stack of Dunkin’ Donuts napkins that are always there. But they’re not. Gah! So I have to grab my over-sized purse (knee back on the steering wheel) and dig around for a kleenex. Success!! Yay! I dab at the Sprite Zero on my face, chest, arms (all the bare places. Um, my whole chest wasn’t bare! I mean the top part that was unbuttoned.). You can’t rub it or the kleenex will disintegrate and leave little white dollops of tissue on your skin. Learned that in another car incident. Coffee that time.

Yes, yes, I’m an accident waiting to happen. But it didn’t happen. Instead, my best friend finishes her gushing monologue JUST as I’m finally taking a sip of what’s left of my drink. Sigh. So I’m silent (like those dropped call commercials), and she panics. So I explain, no no it’s not that or you, I was sipping my Sprite. To which she replied, if you’re on the phone AND drinking Sprite, how are you steering the car? Good question, huh?

Truth is that I learned to steer with my knee back long ago in Florida when it seemed vital to be able to juggle a beer, lipstick, and fiddle with the radio station at the same time. Anyway, then we started chatting about things people do in cars while they’re driving along at ridiculous speeds (I was going about 75). I’ve put on lipstick, had beverages (not alcoholic ones, of course), held cell phones for calls, text messaged, perused selected and changed cd’s . . . the works. And that’s not even the bad part. After we got off the phone, and I’d recapped the Sprite and had both hands on the wheel (at 10 and 2, thank you very much, she says primly), I glanced over and saw a man on HIS cell phone. And actually rolled my eyes at his stupidity. Head thunk.


No, that pic is not of me. I just liked the shiny green car.


29 thoughts on “Drinking and Driving and Talking on the Cell Phone, Oh My!

  1. tsk, tsk, tsk. 😉 i’d love to say that i’ve never done that sort of thing, but i have. i’ve talked on the phone while driving. i’ve eaten while driving. i’ve even text messaged while driving. i’ve never done all at the same time, though. i’ve never figured out the steering with your knee thing, and would be to panicked to try it.

    oh, i’ve also reached around to the back to try to find fallen bottles or toys back when the boys were babies. while driving. not an easy feat.

  2. Hi Doc, I hope you stop doing that, I have heard so many instances it is not worth multitasking, the other day one truck killed 8 people, he was talking on the cell phone. So, just pull over and talk or you can tell them to call later. Nice video for Rii. Cheers 🙂

  3. I am kinda nervous about driving and talking on the cell phone, but I have and I do. I have the blue-tooth hands free thingy but I always forget it at home. I think one of the main reasons I am so nervous about talking on the cell phone is that it’s against the law here in NY and you can get a moving violation which goes on your license and insurance….you’d think the main reason would be safety…lol…yes the Fuzz (the PO-Lice, scare me….when I was younger I thought I was invincible! Not so much anymore…lol

  4. :::Giggle::: Thank God we don’t write auto insurance in MA. LOL! Just kidding. Working in the auto insurance industry, I’ve heard some amazing stories. A my previous to previous company (19 years in auto insurance btw), I van pooled with a former claim rep who use to work for Erie insurance. She was taking a claim report one day and asked the gentleman what happened. He said he didn’t know. He was in the back of the van. ‘Who was driving?’ she asked. ‘Oh, no one,’ he replied, ‘I had the cruise control on.’ OK this was 15 years ago when cruise control was still a newer option on most vehicles. But, REALLY you’d think he would have known it wasn’t like auto pilot!!! Anyway, I’ve been guilty of many of the same things. I’ve been known to write down a ticket number while driving when I get a support page and then call to have it acknowledged. And, I work for an insurance company supporting a claims application…go figure!

  5. Ok…there is a lot I could say about that post…but the one that strikes me the hardest? I miss Dunkin Donuts!!!!!

  6. oh yeah…I also have been known to do makeup on the way to work. Hey! It’s not like your eyelashed move really…you have the basic lay of the land!

  7. Yeah, I too would like to say I’ve never done that, but I have. That is until I got the hands free set up. I even have voice dialing on my phone. So now I just look like I’m having a lively conversation with myself instead of balancing all the paraphernalia. Yep, I’m a geek.

    The worst thing I’ve ever seen someone do while driving though, is flog their children in the back seat. Seriously! This woman had one hand on the wheel, would look at the road for about 5 seconds and then turn around (with one hand still on the wheel – I guess I should be thankful for that) and start wildly flogging her children like a maniac for the next 5 seconds. It seemed as if she was hoping to make contact merely by the sheer number of swings she would make. It went on like that for about a minute. Doesn’t sound like much time, but it is if you figure she did that about 15 times. I made a mental note of her license plate and called it in, but I don’t know if there was much that could be done at that point. Sheesh!

  8. This SO reminds me of the time I was putting on lipstick while driving with my knee. I was passing this semi truck on a double lane highway while doing this. In the winter.

    I notice that the truck is pulling away from me, so I look up at him. He’s pointing his finger in the direction I should be looking at. So, I look. !!!!! There’s this HUGE snowdrift looming, and it’s in MY lane. I had a split second to make a critical decision. I put both hands on the wheel, braced myself, and took it like a man.

    POOF! Snow flies everywhere. I’ve successfully left the semi truck behind me; I’m speeding off like nothing ever happened. Did I mention that my lipstick looked great!

  9. LOL….I admired your honesty in telling about all these.Most people would not admit talking on the cell phone while driving,let alone steering with their knee and looking for sth their handbags:)Very entertaining post Fuzzy,thank you for the laugh…
    And I also thank you for telling us about Rii’s birthday.She is one of my favourite friends,too.Lots of love from me to you:)

  10. … I’m staying stum…. dont want to sound like your mother!!! (I’ve been in two horrendous car accidents….. I just don’t anything to risk another)

  11. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahhahahah @ head thunk!

    oh fuzzy, you crack me up in a major way!

    I am guilty was well, for driving with my knee. It’s just so damn convenient! LOL except for when ya get sprite zero dumped all over ya eh? hehehe

  12. Okay, I’ll spare you the lecture since your antics cracked me up so much!!! I have talked on my cell phone maybe twice ever while driving, and then both of those times I told the people that I was driving and I’d have to call them back. Guess I’m a big chicken. *bock bock* I just have this very active imagination of all the possible things that can go wrong in traffic, so I like to keep at least one hand firmly on the wheel just in case. It’s not us drivers you know, it’s all the other crazies!!

  13. I think you should pre warn all your blog friends when you are going for a drive…tut tut lol…thank god im in another country. I swear I have never answered the phone, eaten or drank anything whilst driving…I CANT drive lol

  14. Shame on you!! Hahahahaaha. I actually suck at talking and driving because I so rarely do it. I know this might be a shock…but, I rarely carry my cellphone. In fact…I don’t even have a “real cell phone”. No, it’s not fake…but, it’s a prepaid thingy through t-mobile. I figured that way…I wouldn’t be tempted to use it allllll the time. I know, I know….it’s 2007…I need a real one with real minutes! But then….i’d probably be writing THIS blog! :o)

  15. Well Fuzzy, if we are all being honest, I drive with a cigar, drink a cup of coffee, and use a cell phone sometimes too. Trouble is, I do it while driving an eighteen wheel truck. Not a good thing. I know in New York it is illegal to talk on a cell phone and drive. It probably should be like that everywhere. I learned to drive with my knee back when I was young too. I was juggling a beer, a cigarette, and probably something illegal. But let someone get in my way and them be on their phone and I’m the first one to say, “Hang up your dam phone and drive”. be careful with that Sprite. You’d hate to ruin a good blouse!

  16. How could you post such an erotic writing just before the Sabbath day!? May I ask you madam, Have you no decency?

    Hmmm… analyzing it though, girl brains are wired for multi-tasking as contrasted with boy brains. I don’t think I can EVER reply texts while driving.

    I do perform simple tasks while driving like, looking at time on my mobi or eating a muffin and trust me, I often find myself rocketing on the wrong side of road or flashing towards the pavement within micro-seconds of distraction.

    It is a serious life- threatening business I am talking about. So many times, I could have died or landed in the beautiful land of butterflies, buttercups and snowy mountains (in reality I would be in coma, lying in a stinking hospital bed with bed sores on my ass) Horror…..

  17. Geez! Fuzzy that was really scary. Multitasking while driving? Please never do that again ok? just promise? (mother hen ryt) mayb or mayb not? Anyway, thanks for confessing 🙂

  18. Shame, shame….too much multi tasking girlfriend! They’re trying to pass the no cell phone while driving law up here in Maine but it hasn’t gone thru yet. I admit to answering mine in the car but try not to have a long conversation….. my cousin was seriuosly injured in a car accident last year involving a blonde college girl yacking on the phone with her boyfriend. They got in an arguement and she floated over the center line. Not a good habit for sure……drive safe Fuzz, be careful…. (:

  19. Doncha just hate people who drive around town with their knees, on the cellphone, and drinking at the same time?

  20. Shame Shame Shame! Get a Blue Tooth…a long tube for sucking juice, and keep your knees together…didn’t your Mother teach you that? *lol

  21. Rolling my eyes at you Fuzzy, just rolling my eyes!! Jeez, you’re a bloody menace to society!! LOL. Just be careful will you, I’d rather not lose another friend. Ok???

  22. Hi Fuzzy 🙂

    OK I guess someone has to get serious here.

    A lot of things in our lives hold a risk; whatever that risks might be and in the main we do what we can to eliminate *any* risk that would put us in harms way and we call that foresight. It’s something we all have; if we use it or not is entirely up to us of course. After saying which and here in the UK, then any *one* of those you mention here would get you a fine and points on your license. Caught doing all that you did on camera would *definitely* mean having your license forfeited and up before a court; absolutely *no* doubts there..

    (I’m not saying anything here that isn’t already known; me-thinks.)

    Regardless of how good we *think* we are at driving and in being alert, the real test is *the test* and it’s one of those tests that no-one would *ever* want to be tested under. And the part of this that’s upsetting, only if we think about it, is that those that do *everything* right can (and often are) the final count within the fatalities. Someone, somewhere, as I write this is getting hit by another car for any of the reasons here; and of those fatalities someone, somewhere, will have done *nothing* wrong. They will become victims in other words.

    Hugs and love to you fuzzy 🙂


  23. I too am guilty of eating, drinking, talking on the cell phone, passing the pacifier back to the kids when they were babies and such. *In my most self-righteous tone* the worst I have seen was a man reading the paper on the way to work while driving. Now talk about distracted. I only envy him because I can’t read and ride . . it makes me nauseous =P

  24. Thanks for all the great comments, Guys!! A few of you got the irony and humor in what I wrote (THANK YOU FOR THAT) and a few of you gave good, sound advice, and I thank you, too, for that. I can’t imagine how I’d respond to each of you without repeating myself over and over, so let me just say that I’m glad that those of you who enjoyed the post as an entertaining bit of satire enjoyed it, and for those of you who were horrified, I’m so sorry for your own bad experiences. I truly am.

    And to you in the latter group, if you read my walk in the park — I do NOT waddle, wheeze, or lose my breath in 30 minute walks. Now I’m horrified that you might have this impression. GAH!! (LOL)

  25. Hei Fuzz.

    Had to go and read this in order to get the gist of the last blog entry!
    Entertaining and hilarious.
    HUGZ from Rii xx

  26. I would like to say that I always gave everyone a break on tickets for things like this ..but I didn’t. Inattentive Driving is more expensive than speeding in our state and and even though we did not have a no cell phone use law in effect we could still stop when we saw someone swerving all over the road while reaching for their soda or putting on lipstick or trying to dig something out of the glove department.

    It was amazing at how outraged people got when they realized they were getting a ticket. I cut about 50-60% of the people a break. And sometimes wrote people who had priors tickets and they were the ones who bit*hed at me the most..things like how I needed to go out and catch REAL criminals. yada yada.

    The potential for hurting someone is out there! This is a BIG pet peeve of mine. Hang up the phone!! Get a wireless…Put it on speaker…Slow down..pull over…it is worth it. It is dangerous! I am sure you dont want to hear my stories about what I have seen out there..

    Okay…nag session is over. I appreciate your humor, too and once saw a girl putting on mascara while talking on the phone AND trying to comb her hair…she sailed thru a stop sign with me sitting at the intersection right there and no one else in sight…going about 20 miles over the speed limit. she was steering with her knees..she had had her license for two weeks…she thought I was picking on her when I stopped her…she called her mom while I was in my squad and her mom started to yell at me too. I laughed, handed the phone back to the girl. So you are not the worse Fuzzy!!

    BE safe…..People love you!!!!

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