So I’m driving along the interstate minding my own business when my cell phone rings. I’d love to report that I followed suggested practice and pulled over to the side of the road, came to a complete stop, put on my flashers, and THEN answered it. But I didn’t. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me to do so. Okay, shrug I, I’ll answer it. No hands free for me, no sirree. So I answer, and it’s my best friend calling about some wonderful thing that happened. I’m listening and listening. And listening. Then I notice I’m thirsty, so I hold the steering wheel still (straight interstate) with my knee, scrunch my cell between my ear and shoulder, and reach for my Sprite Zero (blech, btw), uncap it, and it spurts all over. Gah! So I’m dripping Sprite all over and grabbed the wheel with my phone holding arm, so naturally the phone slides down onto the floor. Gah! Grrr!
Yes, yes, I’m an accident waiting to happen.
So I reach down for the phone first (she’s my best friend after all) and find that she’s still talking. Whew! Then I check the console for that giant stack of Dunkin’ Donuts napkins that are always there. But they’re not. Gah! So I have to grab my over-sized purse (knee back on the steering wheel) and dig around for a kleenex. Success!! Yay! I dab at the Sprite Zero on my face, chest, arms (all the bare places. Um, my whole chest wasn’t bare! I mean the top part that was unbuttoned.). You can’t rub it or the kleenex will disintegrate and leave little white dollops of tissue on your skin. Learned that in another car incident. Coffee that time.
Yes, yes, I’m an accident waiting to happen. But it didn’t happen. Instead, my best friend finishes her gushing monologue JUST as I’m finally taking a sip of what’s left of my drink. Sigh. So I’m silent (like those dropped call commercials), and she panics. So I explain, no no it’s not that or you, I was sipping my Sprite. To which she replied, if you’re on the phone AND drinking Sprite, how are you steering the car? Good question, huh?
Truth is that I learned to steer with my knee back long ago in Florida when it seemed vital to be able to juggle a beer, lipstick, and fiddle with the radio station at the same time. Anyway, then we started chatting about things people do in cars while they’re driving along at ridiculous speeds (I was going about 75). I’ve put on lipstick, had beverages (not alcoholic ones, of course), held cell phones for calls, text messaged, perused selected and changed cd’s . . . the works. And that’s not even the bad part. After we got off the phone, and I’d recapped the Sprite and had both hands on the wheel (at 10 and 2, thank you very much, she says primly), I glanced over and saw a man on HIS cell phone. And actually rolled my eyes at his stupidity. Head thunk.
No, that pic is not of me. I just liked the shiny green car.