I know, I know, this topic has been done to death, but I’m not talking about that tell-tale lipstick stain on his collar (has anyone ever actually seen this? I think it’s an urban legend, personally, like Big Foot). Nope, I’m talking about those other signs we see and the best signaling device we have: our hearts (women’s intuition, gut feeling, instinct, call it what you will).
Cheating takes two things (well, not counting the physical bits and pieces of the parties involved): time and money. So if your honey is suddenly working late (yep, tired excuse, but tried and true) and there’s not a corresponding bump in pay, you may be correct in wondering what is bumping what. Is he spending more time with “friends”? Going out of town on “business”? Actually, any change in the routine is not likely a good sign. Oh sure, in the movies, he’s sneaking about learning your family tree or scouring antique shops for that brooch that reminds you of your beloved granny, but in real life? Hmph. Not so much.
And just where did all that money go? Rifling wallets for receipts, thankfully, is a thing of the past; just log on to your bank account, and look at where that money’s going. Jewelry and sex shop purchases? But you’ve been gifted with no new teddy or furry handcuffs? Something’s afoot. Tell me again why you need that second cell phone, Schnookums? Lunch and dinner charges doubled? Not a good sign. Other things that might suddenly pry your honey’s miserly fingers free from their death grip on household finances are self-improvements that come out of the blue. Now if his best friend drops dead of a heart attack, and he begins to take interest in his health, joins a gym, etc., that’s one thing. However, if he’s been a slovenly (if lovable) slob for years and suddenly he’s primping and preening, buying new clothes (particularly if *you* didn’t pick them out), working out, etc., I say wonder. And wonder hard.
Okay, cheating actually takes three things (still not counting those bits and pieces, except as the parts equal the whole): a partner. One of the “best” places for married and attached men to find sex easily is on Craig’s List. Going on there is not for the faint of heart, either, you’ll be barraged by gross and quite lewd ads by gross and quite lewd lads eager to find sex. Men apparently think that their penis is unrecognizable because this is the thing that is most often posted by randy rovers. They are afraid to post their face because what if wifey happens upon it? I find this rather remarkable given that most men seem to prize their penis as unique and quite fabulous, but they simultaneously think that posting a close up of it will maintain their anonymity. I’m waiting for some enterprising woman to devise an online penis gallery of publicly posted peni. Women can browse through like a police line up . . . oh my god, that’s my husband!
Prowling cheaters don’t need to rely on Craig’s List of course, and any single woman who has joined a dating site can well attest to the fact that they are crawling with prowling marrieds. Work is another likely hunting ground, but men aren’t that picky, it seems, in their choice of illicit partners, so watch out for that cute kid at the gas station and the neighbor whose hubby travels a lot.
A note on the role of the woman sexing up your guy: she didn’t make a commitment to you, he did. He’s the rat dog, not her. She may not even know he’s married. And even if she does, she’s not married to you, he is. Of course, if she’s your best friend, sister, mother, aunt, grandmother, et al, that’s a problem of a different sort, but he’s still at fault, too.
Oops, cheating really actually takes four things (get those bits and pieces out of here, will ya?): attention. He’s not taking your calls as he once did, or he’s breathless and hurried during conversations. He gets a dreamy expression on his face while you’re eating leftover meatloaf (unless he’s a real fan of meatloaf, chances are he’s not thinking about you). He’s online all the time, and he doesn’t work in a profession that demands this (and if he does, the hours he spends online have increased; see above on time).
And of course there’s the usual laundry list: he comes home smelling all clean and Irish Spring fresh when he claims he’s been sitting in a hot car for hours (and your dainty skin can only take Ivory, so that’s all you buy for your home); his attitude toward you changes dramatically (he’s snippy and distant and dissatisfied or he’s loving and horny and comes home bearing gifts); hang up calls; he’s suddenly using phrases and slang that he’s never used before (he’s picking that up somewhere); he’s taken up new interests in music or movies or games (or whatever); general sneakiness; women’s jewelry, underwear, or even hair found in the car or on his person (some women find other women’s panties in their marital bed, this is not good and probably indicates some sort of cheating); he calls you by someone else’s name (and it doesn’t have to be during sex, either, see above on attention); cat hairs pepper his slacks and jacket, and you don’t have a cat. In fact, you’re allergic to cats; and the number one sign that your man is cheating . . . you just know it. Trust that.