No Boxers on Boxing Day
26 December 2009
Today, the Department of Homeland Security announced that it will take over all supervision of air travel within the United States, including flights to and from this country. It also announced that because the would-be perpetrator of a potential man-made disaster (PPMMD) covered himself with a blanket that all blankets are now banned from airlines, as are pillows. For good measure. Furthermore, because this PPMMD had a bomb sewn into his underwear, all underwear is now banned from flights within, to, and from the United States. This measure includes “thong” or “string” underwear and includes a ban on packing such dangerous, potentially life-threatening garments in one’s luggage. Thus far, the ban does not extend to bras, stockings, and pantyhose, but an expansion of the ban is under consideration at this time. Noting that underwear are now deemed as dangerous as blankets and nail polish remover, the DHS is considering a measure to ban “granny panties” and “boxers” in the general population. This measure is being met with mixed reactions, but grannies the country over are rather horrified.
Checking It Twice
27 December 2009
President Obama, speaking from a golf cart on Hawaii’s premier golf course, today announced that a six-month deliberation process on the efficacy of no-fly and other lists that are intended to protect America’s airlines and flight paths will begin in six months. Citing the need to give this topic the intellectual rigor and in-depth analysis that it requires, the president vowed to meet this deadline for the beginning of the deliberation process. When asked if he could possibly deliberate such an expansive topic in only six months, President Obama gave a wink and nod and said, “You know, things don’t move as quickly in Washington as I expected, so it may take longer.”
Gibbs Glib, Underwear Not Under President’s Purview
28 December 2009
In a White House press briefing, Robert Gibbs today supported the ban of underwear stating that he was tired of conservatives who seemed to think that they had some sort of right to wear underpants. He rolled his eyes before responding to Fox News senior White House correspondent Major Garrett’s question about whether or not the president was involved in that decision. Gibbs replied, “of course not. This decision was made in one day!” He followed up by asking, “Do you honestly expect the president of the United States of America to interrupt his vacation to get involved with decisions about underwear?” To which Garrett replied, “But surely, Mr. Gibbs, this is a matter of Homeland Security, isn’t that under the president’s purview?” Gibbs called for an aide to bring him a dictionary so he could look up “purview.” After a brief delay, Gibbs banned all “obscure and unnecessarily unclear” language from being used in the White House press room. The matter of the president’s authority over and interest in the issue of underwear is still up in the air.
Department of Homeland Security Announces New Requirements for Fliers
29 December 2009
Janet Napolitano announced today that there is suspicion of the potential for unfair treatment of airline passengers based on a “checklist” that “flags” potentially problematic fliers on America’s Airlines, the name that is being given to all airlines after they are taken over and consolidated by the United States government on January 1, 2010. Because of this potentially unfair treatment, a fate that was narrowly avoided by the would-be Christmas PPMMD, all airlines tickets must now be purchased in cash and only one-way tickets will be issued.
The Christmas PPMMD had purchased his one-way ticket with cash, and it is fortunate that this was not caught by anyone. Anyone at all. If it had been, he would almost certainly have been treated unfairly, even profiled. “We cannot have this,” Napolitano stated emphatically. “A cash-only, one-way air travel system is the only way to protect everyone, so it will be implemented as of January 1, 2010.” Anyone currently holding tickets to fly after that date will forfeit their money and must purchase one-way tickets with cash in order to keep their seat. “The forfeited monies,” Napolitano states, “will be used to hold an auction on whitehouse.gov of all airline pillows and blankets.”
Citizen’s Auction Site Launched
1 January 2010
In an ongoing effort to protect Americans who fly on America’s Airlines, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that its $1 trillion dollar airline auction website will be launched on Monday. Excited by the prospect of such transparency and accountability, Napolitano mandated that every American over the age of 18 must register on this site and must purchase at least one “historic artifact.” The “historic artifacts” in question are blue airline blankets and white airline pillows. Each will be on sale for only $99.99, and every citizen is required to purchase one or face a fine of up to $10,000 and/or jail time of up to five (5) years. Concerns about forcing Americans to “register” with Homeland Security and to purchase a blanket and/or pillow were met with amazement and a declaration that the protection of American citizens is of paramount importance and that anyone who did not see this and readily comply was clearly a racist. And probably a terrorist.
3 January 2010
Janet Napolitano announced today that all airplanes will be made safe for Americans by the removal of the following: all seats, carpeting, internal walls, curtains, kitchenettes, bathrooms, and overhead compartments. Plans are in the works to remove the cockpit, too, but that, Napolitano notes, will take some time. All travelers are banned, of course, from wearing underwear, and as of 1 February 2009, will no longer be allowed to wear clothing or take any luggage, carry-ons, or checked baggage. All baggage must now be shipped via the United States Post Office to the traveler’s destination, no other carrier is permitted to transport luggage or personal belongings due to the Department of Homeland Security’s edict that such luggage and personal belongings must be moved only by a government agency. Anyone attempting to use another package carrier will be arrested, fined, and jailed. The exact penalties are still awaiting presidential approval, and that is expected in early 2011, once the president has had time to fully consider the matter.