Fuzzy’s Faux News: BO "Deeply Saddened" by Excellence of American Olympiads

This just in:  President Obama is set to announce that he is “deeply saddened” by America’s showing in the 2010 Winter Olympics.  Sources reveal that the president will be apologizing to the other participating countries–it’s not clear at this time if he plans to travel personally to each of the other 81 participating nations–and will be drafting a resolution to ensure that everyone wins medals for every event.  He will further announce that he is working on a measure to ensure that every person who tries out for the Olympics will be accepted to participate.  Competition, the president will explain in his speech, is a part of the politics and “games” of the past.

He will announce that “America is not a winning nation” and that his shame and embarrassment over America’s showing in the Olympics is matched only by that which he feels for everything America has ever done.   He is also expected to express his displeasure and “heavy heart” that America, with 37 medals, earned more medals than have been won in any previous winter Olympic Games.  He will announce with sorrow that Canada earned the most gold medals (at 14, to Germany’s 10 and America’s 9) and say that this is one of the 58 states he hasn’t yet had a chance to visit and now he will never go there to teach them how to be humble, as he is.

Sources have revealed that the president is uncomfortable with the gold, silver, and bronze classifications and is working with the Olympic committee to settle on one color that is inclusive and can be given to everyone regardless of their performance or contribution to the event.  Rumors are circulating that the audience will also receive these new “post-competition” medals and that digital versions will be made available on the internet for everyone in the world.  These digital Olympic medals can be printed out anywhere in the world and mailed to the U. S. Everyone’s A Winner Office; a shiny new Olympic medal will then be sent out.  Anyone without internet access, a computer, a printer, or electricity will be receiving checks from the American government to ensure that these items and services can be obtained.  The amount of these checks has not been determined, but tax increases are being proposed for the 57% of Americans who still pay taxes in order to cover the cost of these measures.

The president will conclude his speech with “fair’s fair, and we have to be neighborly.  That’s what the American people elected me to be, and they want me, the first and unprecedented and truly remarkable post-racial and post-partisan and now post-competition president, to ensure that no one in the world ever suffers the pain of not winning an Olympic medal.  And that’s what I’m going to do.”

18 thoughts on “Fuzzy’s Faux News: BO "Deeply Saddened" by Excellence of American Olympiads

  1. To compensate for our superiority, we will send high school Juniors to the 2014 Olympics, while all other countries will be sending their professionals

    In addition, after any medal we win, instead of playing the National Anthem, we will instead request a medley of all of the other teams national songs.

  2. @ Born Again American, it is sad, isn't it? But we're going to take our country back and fix all this nonsense once and for all.

    @ Opus, heh!

    @ Peddling, he really is lover of all things American, especially the American people. It's inspiring.

    @ Deekaman, thanks 🙂

    @ WMUR, lmao, these are great, I especially like the second one about the medley of national anthems. Though I suspect that if he had his way the world anthem would be the Mmm mmm mmm song.

    @ Loralee, hi and welcome! And yes, it is all too easy to believe that he'd be bummed out that we did well at anything. Has there ever been a president of this country who was so ashamed of it, so filled with hate and disdain for everything it stands for that his mission in life is to “fundamentally transform” it? It breaks my heart, but it strengthens my resolve.

  3. I laughed and felt like crying when I realized how close to reality it is.
    I think child safe products are at fault. It used to be, a stupid kid would just die. Now they grow up to be stupid adults.

  4. The sad thing is that, I believe it was in the “Washington Post,” a fellow in all seriousness wrote an op-ed saying that the American public blatantly rooting for Americans was sign of our provincialism.

    Of course since France was rooting for the French, Canada for Canadians, Russia for Russians (and boy did they ever have a meltdown over these Olympics), Norway for Norwegians, the Netherlands for the Dutch, Germany for Germans, Korea for Koreans, etc. I'm not sure who the non-provincial sophisticates are.

    Ah, but America is the land of backwards, backwood, bumpkins, right?

  5. @ Trestin, it's sad, isn't it? Something that would seem far out and completely absurd only a year ago now sounds like it may be real. God help us all.

    @ Yukio, seriously? What is wrong with these people? And heh, yes, exactly which country didn't root for its Olympiads? Who is the epitome of sophistication?

    @ RK, yes, that is the sad part. We have a lot of work to do to get this country back on track, to make this as absurd as it should be.

  6. Tattatiera – That would be the 59th or 62nd state according to Obama… I don't personally know which is correct cause I only gots a BS degree but 52 is way off. And Racist.

    Fuzzy, he is simply trying to realize the dream and the edict of our founders that “All men are created equal”. IMHO.

    PLEASE people, can't we all just get along. ?

  7. I love you too Sister Fuzzy.

    Well, Ok, not This America. Not this media colored gay rights focused, athiest rights, communist rights, censorship crazed, excuse all manner of vermin, liberal infested school America.

    I'll take the majority America though. The one that is still free but hanging on by a dandelion America.

    Otherwise, I have no problem starting another Freedom Obsessed Republic Elsewhere. !

    We only need a place and a name. A Place is no problem. There are plenty of places where the vast majority of human souls cry out for freedom. Given the means they can take it! And I don't presume to be in charge there when it happens. Only a major to minor player and I'd rather the collective genius coup participants come up with the name. I'll make suggestions.

    As Long as it isn't AlGoresVille, I'll defend it to my last !

  8. We have a place, it's here. They're the ones who don't want to live under our constitution, within its framework. They hate America, so they can go. I'd be willing to give them a couple of states to set up their socialist shop in, too. As long as they were completely out of our lives, government, and economy. Maybe they could have New England (except New Hampshire, they'd never stand for that nonsense up there). Heh.

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