This just in: President Obama is set to announce that he is “deeply saddened” by America’s showing in the 2010 Winter Olympics. Sources reveal that the president will be apologizing to the other participating countries–it’s not clear at this time if he plans to travel personally to each of the other 81 participating nations–and will be drafting a resolution to ensure that everyone wins medals for every event. He will further announce that he is working on a measure to ensure that every person who tries out for the Olympics will be accepted to participate. Competition, the president will explain in his speech, is a part of the politics and “games” of the past.
He will announce that “America is not a winning nation” and that his shame and embarrassment over America’s showing in the Olympics is matched only by that which he feels for everything America has ever done. He is also expected to express his displeasure and “heavy heart” that America, with 37 medals, earned more medals than have been won in any previous winter Olympic Games. He will announce with sorrow that Canada earned the most gold medals (at 14, to Germany’s 10 and America’s 9) and say that this is one of the 58 states he hasn’t yet had a chance to visit and now he will never go there to teach them how to be humble, as he is.
Sources have revealed that the president is uncomfortable with the gold, silver, and bronze classifications and is working with the Olympic committee to settle on one color that is inclusive and can be given to everyone regardless of their performance or contribution to the event. Rumors are circulating that the audience will also receive these new “post-competition” medals and that digital versions will be made available on the internet for everyone in the world. These digital Olympic medals can be printed out anywhere in the world and mailed to the U. S. Everyone’s A Winner Office; a shiny new Olympic medal will then be sent out. Anyone without internet access, a computer, a printer, or electricity will be receiving checks from the American government to ensure that these items and services can be obtained. The amount of these checks has not been determined, but tax increases are being proposed for the 57% of Americans who still pay taxes in order to cover the cost of these measures.
The president will conclude his speech with “fair’s fair, and we have to be neighborly. That’s what the American people elected me to be, and they want me, the first and unprecedented and truly remarkable post-racial and post-partisan and now post-competition president, to ensure that no one in the world ever suffers the pain of not winning an Olympic medal. And that’s what I’m going to do.”