April 9, 2010
President Obama announced today, with heavy heart, that whether we like it or not, we are still a world super power. Observing that we are continually dragged into wars not of our making or in our national interest, the President assured the nation that he would be the first president since the Great Depression to make an honest effort to reduce our nation’s wealth, power, and prestige. The press corpse felt a collective tingle up its leg, your humble correspondent included.
[Editor’s note: please desist from contacting the news department regarding this article. The correct way to spell and pronounce the word formerly known as “corps” and ridiculously pronounced “core” has been changed by Executive Order. “Corpse” is correct.]
April 10, 2010
President Obama made what must surely be one of his swiftest, most significant decisions. Walking slowly past the brand new Marine One to the brand new Air Force One he’d ordered, the president declared, “We have expended the last of our blood and our treasure and have finally exceeded our resources! I am pleased to announce that the Islamic Rep, erm, ughhh, the United States is no longer a world super power. We, like the UK, are just another of the world’s 199 countries. And I’ve visited almost all of them, only 32 more to go!” Having expressed his sorrow at America’s exceptionalism only yesterday, one can but marvel at our Leader’s decisiveness.
April 11, 2010
Only thirty years after the end of the Cold War, the president has signed a nuclear weapons treaty with Russia in which both former super powers agree to further cut nuclear weapon holdings (some former American president made insignificant efforts along these lines, it is reported). The president also masterfully obtained agreements from Canada and Mexico, long thought to be on the verge of going rogue and nuking the United States. These nations have signed an important piece of paper that affirms their commitment not to refine uranium to weapons grade. The world, as the president asserts, is indeed a much safer place now.
April 12, 2010
The president has announced that there is no such thing as radical Muslims or jihad. One source close to the White House confirmed that “the President has determined that if there is no mention of radical Islam and no acknowledgment of jihad there will be no threat or cause for concern.” Still coasting on the wave of his victory over Canada and Mexico and gaining security from Russian attack, the president is determined to will the world as he would have it be. There are rumors on the Hill that he’ll be making a decision soon about renaming nuclear weapons so that Iran’s Ahmadinejad will not be able to have them. Some of the names on the short list are: boom booms, mushroom makers, and wee wee uppers.
April 13, 2010
President Obama announced today that despite the leaked memo from Defense Secretary Gates, he does have a plan to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons and that he’s had the plan all along. “Really. I have,” he asserted in much the same manner he clarified for obstructionist, naughty republicans that he is not an ideologue. “As of today,” the President intoned from the Rose Garden, “the Islamic Republic of Iran will not possibly be able to obtain, craft, use, or in other way threaten nations with nuclear weapons.”
Beaming at the press corpse, Obama abolished the term “nuclear weapons.” Using 423 pens, he signed his name to the Executive Order in only three and half hours. This is indeed an historical moment, for with the stroke of a pen (give or take), President Obama has ensured that no nation will ever be attacked by nuclear weapons. “After all, there is no such thing,” said the President, a twinkle in his eye. The president announced that he will not, after all, be selecting an alternate name for the former nuclear weapon and that by not doing so he has achieved his goal of ridding the world of them.
April 21, 2010
After several days’ inexplicable absence, the president was
finally spotted running into the showers with his chief adviser Rahm “Twinkle Toes” Emanuel. The president, upon leaving the showers several hours later, shrugged off any suggestion that he’d “ditched” the White House press corpse and explained, “I’m the president. The president! I have my own doctor. I own this country, and I’ll go where I want when I want and you can’t stop me.” This was met with cheers from the press corpse, who had been feeling rather left out before this was explained so expertly and with such intelligent intellectually intellectual precision.
A White House insider who wishes to remain anonymous explained that the president had had a busy week ridding the world of the “nuclear” threat and establishing America’s complete equality with every other nation that he’d felt it his basic human right to enjoy some time away from the press with “Twinky.”
April 22, 2010
The president today announced that because he’d so enjoyed his “me time” he is decreeing that every American citizen had a basic human right to a taxpayer-funded vacation. “After all,” President Obama stated, “Europe is doing it. And I want what Europe has. Even though they are no better or worse than we are. But if they recognize vacations as basic human rights, we should, too. We will move to force taxpayer-funded vacations on the rest of the world immediately after the EUSA is established on Monday. From there, the people of Europe and America will fund every global citizen’s paid vacation, including travel, lodging, ‘mad money,’ and some nice souvenirs . . . maybe a snow globe of the destination and a refrigerator magnet. We’re still working on the details.”
When pressed unkindly by the Fox News correspondent on how the president intended to pay for it, President Obama spoke for just under four and half hours, explaining everything from how taxpayers had a moral, spiritual, ethical, social, racial, gendered, and President-mandated duty to help their fellow humans enjoy vacations and how the vacationers themselves would have to pay “fun fees” on the entitlement if they could afford them to the several and various ways that one might make toast. The president is very knowledgeable about toast and gave several tips and tricks on selecting bread, purchasing toasters, even open-fire toasting. The president is clearly pleased with ObamaVacation and hopes to have it in place by next Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. Thursday at the latest.
April 23, 2010
The Fox News correspondent who questioned President Obama yesterday has reportedly been beaten severely by conservative fanatics. Still unable to speak, the reporter wrote a shaky account of events that began when he awoke suddenly in the night, realizing that he’d become confused and side-tracked by the president’s helpful toast tips and should have asked if the “fun fees” were actually taxes on the poor who were being given vacations they did not want. Unable to get back to sleep, he unwisely went out onto a public street without his Fox bodyguard contingent. There, he was apparently attacked. His account becomes confused here, as he absurdly suggests that the attackers were screaming “Allah Akbar” at him. We all know, of course, that the president has declared Islam a peaceful religion, so there must be some sort of head trauma that is as yet undiagnosed.
April 24, 2010
Reports from top White House aides suggest that, based on the 2010 Census, each American family will be adopting one low income family of four for every $50,000 they make per year. While there is a complicated formula being considered, particularly for those families and individuals who have more than one home, every American family is urged to begin clearing 1,000 square feet of space in their homes to accommodate their adopted family. Those who do not have 1,000 square feet to spare–this is determined that each adopted low income family must have a minimum of 1,000 square feet in which to live; the adopting or sponsor family will be required to have a minimum of 550 square feet in which to live–will have a choice of either purchasing a second home for their adopted family or of signing over their home to the government. The formula is still in the works, but reports are that each home must meet the 1,550 square feet minimum by 2014 or the home will be seized by imminent domain, demolished, and a new, suitable home that meets government standards will be erected to accommodate the new guidelines.
There are no plans to decrease taxes or to eliminate entitlements, so the adopted family will receive both government assistance and the sponsorship requirements set for the adopting, working family. Sponsorship requirements will include health care (but only until a nationalized system is in place, “so ultimately, the sponsorship family will be saving money,” according to Speaker Pelosi), utilities, food, clothing, college for up to two children (not less than two), a car for each adult, and a pet (this can be either a dog or a cat, to be approved by the overseeing government case worker who will also be living in the home/s.). The bill is currently at 10,812 pages, but is expected to be twice as long by morning. The American people will have 72 hours to read the bill and express their views, in writing and sent via United States Postal Service, before the bill is voted on, passed, and signed into law by the president. President Obama is pleased with this plan, saying that “it will set us apart, but not too far apart, from our European friends who think they have a lock on erm, eh, you know. . . being neighborly.”