10 May 2010
We have confirmed that Attorney General Eric Holder does not have a law degree and did not attend law school. In this morning’s interview, Holder explained that he thought about going to law school and even applied to several but was not accepted. Asked what makes him qualified for his current position, Holder explained that he had read all of John Grisham’s novels and had even seen all of the movie adaptations. John Grisham is, of course, a very famous novelist who once practiced law. This reporter has verified that Grisham does indeed have a law degree. Asked which of Grisham’s novels is his favorite, Holder responded, “um . . . I . . . uh, that one with Denzel Washington.”
13 May 2010
President and First Lady Obama have announced that salt and Jolly Rancher candies (both the hard candy and the soft “gummy” version) are now deemed controlled substances and will fall under the jurisdiction of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), which is now to be renamed the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives andsaltandJollyRanchercandies. Beginning June 1, 2010, citizens are required to apply for a license to purchase salt and/or Jolly Rancher candies. One White House insider said, “the licensing process is expected to be carried out with the usual government speed and competence, and we expect licenses to begin being granted as soon as 2025!”
“The maximum an adult can purchase in a given year–after being licensed, weighed, photographed, finger-printed, and entered into a tracking database–has yet to be determined, but once the law is passed, we’ll know that for sure,” said the same source. The licensing fee will also be revealed upon passage of the bill, as will the new tax on each. We do know at this time that the penalties for purchasing either salt or Jolly Rancher candies with the intent to distribute to a minor will carry the same penalty/ies as those for providing alcohol to minors. No one under 18 will be permitted to apply for a salt or Jolly Rancher candy license or to be within a five foot radius of these dangerous substances.
This measure, addressing the First Lady’s biggest concern for America–childhood obesity, is expected to drastically change the way that Americans eat. Additional items under review for addition to this new law are: chocolate, though an outright ban is more likely on this clear and present danger; red meat, and assorted cookies, candies, and cakes.
14 May 2010
Asked today what the federal government is doing for the flood victims in Nashville, TN, the president replied, “The what, where?”