December 1, 2010
President Obama announced today that he is establishing a special federal department that upholds the Declaration of Independence’s promise of the people’s right to pursue happiness. The full text of his announcement is as follows:
My fellow Americans, it with great pleasure that I display to you, today, the vastness of my “blue dog” democrat streak in establishing the Pursuit of Our Happiness Department. As you know, when our country was founded 20 centuries ago, our forefathers and foremothers and forehermaphrodites wrote in the Pledge of Allegiance that there are certain inalienable rights endowed by me, your ruler: the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
[Editor’s note: owing to the President’s oral stitches–obtained while valiantly defending American liberty on a basketball court, he quite understandably mispronounced “Declaration of Independence” as “Pledge of Allegiance.]
I’ll leave the stuff of life and liberty to my fine appointees in the Department of Justice and the TSA, but the safeguarding of every American’s right to pursue happiness has, until this moment, been overlooked, forgotten, lost in the pages of an often-deplorable, always-shameful American history. But forget all that. I’m here now, and fortunately, for you, I uphold my secular duty to be both lord and master of the American people, and I hereby announce that every American will, from this moment forward, be called upon by POOH to be happy.
I await your expressions of gratitude and many letters of worship . . . all of which, I will read on camera and have aired on the newly-established POOH cable news network. This will be my special holiday gift to you, my people!
December 2, 2010
Today, President Obama clarified his statements made yesterday about the establishment of POOH. We haven’t the space to include the full text here, as the president spoke for eight straight hours, leaving many of us without enough ink or battery power in our laptops to capture his brilliance. Suffice to say, that the president clarified his reasons for creating the new POOH, and again expressed his desire to hear the applause and praise of this nation.
December 3, 2010.
Under constant attack by his bitter, clinging enemies and the hostage-holders in the Republican Party, President Obama today released the Cliff Notes version of yesterday’s eight hour explanation of POOH. The POOH skeptics are claiming that the entire thing is “a complete overreach” by our dearest, most beloved, most hallowed leader, and as usual, we at FFN, will not print anything that they say.
The White House has asked that we all, as is our patriotic duty under the new POOH mandate, turn in anyone whom we know to be spreading lies about our president’s POOH. You can easily do this at your local WalMart.