11 March 2011
Michelle Obama announced today a new approach in her fight against obesity. “In light,” the nation’s First Lady said in a statement released by her office, “of the recent study that shows clear links between obesity and church-going, we are calling upon the people of this nation to immediately stop going to church. We do not believe that this should or does include Muslims, but we are certain that Christians are becoming fat and unhealthy by attending their so-called religious services. Obesity, as we’ve earlier noted, is also a threat to our national security. For the sake of freedom and vital national interests, we are currently only asking that Americans voluntarily comply with this request.”
Because this statement was released from the First Lady’s office–and because several of us in the WH press corpse were locked in a janitor’s closet, we were unable to ask follow-up questions. However, it seems clear that Christianity is destroying America and must be stopped.
12 March 2011
President Obama’s deep concern for the health and well-being of Americans is proved once again in his latest initiative: Organizing Quality Friends for a Healthy America. Citing a recent study that people who have a minimum of eight (8) friends are healthier, the president stated that he’s establishing a government friend census that will require each American to report how many friends they have and to rate each friendship on a Quality of Friendship scale (to be determined by another government panel). The friend census is expected to be sent out this week and all Americans are compelled to comply (a new compliance agency is being established as of this write up).
The president expects to have the returned data analyzed by the new Organizing Quality Friends for a Healthy America data analysis division and their recommendations on his desk by the end of August. Any American who has fewer than eight (8) friends rated and confirmed as at least a level five (5) friendship (the scale hasn’t been developed, but five is a number that sounds reasonable to the president) will be expected to develop sufficient friendships to meet the new government mandate.
Anyone who does not have sufficient friends nor develops sufficient friendships by 2014, when the Affordable Health Care Act goes “live,” will be fined, the specific amount to be announced at a later date. The president explains that because friendships improve health, not having friends is a drain on the fiscal well-being of the nation. In order to counter that lack-of-friends-related health care cost, the president is also looking into recommendations to set up a government agency that will supply the correct number and quality of friends to Americans in need. These plans are still in the planning stages of planning, says the President, but he’s looking forward to ensuring that every American has at least eight (8) quality friends.
14 March 2011
Following up on his announcement earlier this week regarding Organizing Quality Friends for a Healthy America, President Obama announced today that his twenty-three agencies and forty-two subagencies studying this serious problem have determined that one thing that will make Americans have healthier, more robust lives is the assignment of no fewer than one (1) member each of the Muslim Brotherhood and the New Black Panther Party to each white, racist, Islamophobic American–most of them, of course, are simply bitter clingers who don’t really deserve constitutional rights, but the president believes that they should get them for now and until such time as they prove unable to assimilate to our shared American values of Sharia-compliance, social justice, and socialist fascism.
25 March 2011
President Obama announced in a non-announcement and as an aside that we are not at war with Libya and that American forces are going to be enforcing without force a no-fly zone and sending ground troops into that nation. He explains that we are really at the mercy of the United Nations and are doing only what they demand of us, but he’s also noting that there are no ground troops except the Marines. All of whom, he has made clear to the world, are armed only with good intentions and maybe candy. The president is hopeful that the non-involvement of the United States will not have an impact anywhere and that the this non-impact will result in the removal of Libya’s leader (the president was unable to think of the Libyan leader’s name, and that’s the policy adopted by us here at FFN, as well). The good news is that the rebels in Libya are actually many of the people that the president has liberated from Gitmo. Because of this, the president is certain that they are acting in gratitude and love and will continue to work in the United States’ best interests.
27 March 2011
In response to our previous story about Gitmo and continuing the tradition as the most honest and transparent administration in history, President Obama today confirmed that despite racist rumors and the obvious lies spead at Fox News he has indeed closed Gitmo. In fact, he reveals that he did so in his first month in office. It is with great pride in our president that FFN confirms that Gitmo has indeed been closed just as the president promised. We also can confirm that every American has already received their promised unicorn, and we recommend immediately writing and sending thank you notes to the president.