Fuzzy’s Faux News: Higher Education Edition

26 March 2011

President Obama announced his comprehensive college degree initiative that will ensure that every American obtains a college degree.  Citing studies that the majority of college students who do not obtain degrees drop out, fail, or withdraw within the first two years of their higher education experience, President Obama has mandated that all four-year college degrees be awarded in eighteen (18) months.  Because the numbers are slightly different at the nation’s community and junior colleges, all two-year college degrees will now be awarded in six (6) months.

The president is also urging universities and colleges to dispense with the dated and racist practice of issuing grades and/or evaluating student work.  Saying that such practices unfairly target minorities for failure, the president is confident that the elimination of grading and evaluation coupled with the accelerated degree programs will ensure that more Americans than ever in the entire history of the world will obtain college degrees.

There are further plans to ensure this level of academic success is available to every American, whether or not they are citizens of the United States.  A source close to the White House has confirmed that the newly-established College Degree czar will be sending college degrees to applicants who can show the following: they are not white males, they are currently not and have never been enrolled in a college or university, and that they have completed at least five (5) years of K-12 education.  This program is still in the planning stages because there are concerns that the under-literate will not have the skills necessary to fill in the necessary application forms, making the system fundamentally unfair and ineffective in reaching its target audience. 

27 March 2011
President Obama today announced that all American colleges and universities will be closed as of August 1, 2011.  The president feels strongly that higher education is key to American success in the global market and has established a new program whereby all infants born in or near the United States will be granted college degrees at birth, thus eliminating the need for colleges and universities.  This initiative, the president notes, will save state and the federal government monies that are currently being wasted on state universities.  Expanding on the program, the president explains that to those infants of parents who wish to be citizens of the United States, college degrees will be issued upon entrance to or near the United States.  ICE will forgo their currently “on hold” enforcement of immigration laws and will restructure to focus on ensuring that every immigrant and non-immigrant be issued a college degree by the U. S. government.

Border patrol, the National Guard, and assorted national security agencies will be working to issue college degrees at the border and replacing any section of fence or motion sensors with “take a number”-style degree dispensers. NASA is now overseeing the issuance of American college degrees in the Muslim world, ACORN is issuing college degrees along with voter id cards to a broad range of Americans and unaffiliated persons including the fictional and the dead, and PETA will be awarding American college degrees to all members of the animal kingdom.  

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9 thoughts on “Fuzzy’s Faux News: Higher Education Edition

  1. Sure such a program helps those who have not, but what does it do to reduce success? I would like to see some kind of new tax on the wealthy to ensure that this program is available to everyone. Why just stop with one tax? It's not fair that so many people get to keep almost half the money they work for. Who are they to hoard such extreme amounts of wealth?

  2. Dear Fuzzy,

    Thank God!

    One of the biggest regrets in my life is that I dropped out of college after just three semesters. At the time and at the ripe old age of 19 I figured that that I could go back and get mt degree anytime I wanted.

    I had read a popular book back then called “Europe on Seven Dollars a Day” and planned to spend a year or two bumming around Europe.

    Before that plan got fully hatched and funded, I met this beautiful young lady with the most captivating blue eyes and two adorable children and as they say the rest is history.

    (TL) and I have been together for forty years and I consider myself the luckiest man on the planet! We have three wonderful children and two teenage grandchildren who are to say the least the apples of Grandpa's eye!

    This is all well and good, but now you are telling me I can be a college graduate in as little six months. This truly is a Great Nation!

    A Gator at last, thank God Almighty a Gator at last! I can and will die a happy man due to the foresight of our dear president.

    The above mentioned story is not one I tell often because of all of the shame I have been saddled with these forty odd years due to not having a college degree. Such a huge burden has been lifted from my heart and soul!

    Go Gators!!!

    Lock & Load!!!
    Sons & Daughters of Liberty Unite!!!

  3. Love it!. I really like the 27-March announcement. This is going to save a lot of money and avoid polluting actual universities with hordes of detractors from the educational process.

    Companies can always give their own entrance aptitude exams. 2+2 = ? One is Not like the other: a.)obama b.) intelligent people c.) educated people

  4. @Trestin, ha!

    @L, aww, I love that story. I'd trade in my college degrees for true love and a happy life. In a heartbeat.

    @Odie, hee!

    @Kid, and the DOJ will force them to give everyone a passing grade, even if they get “2 + 2 = ?” wrong! It'll be great!

  5. Dear Fuzzy,

    I know for a fact that I am truly blessed!

    I also know in my heart of hearts that the love of your life will find you and you too will know instantly as I did!

    (L)

  6. Fuzzy, Harrison Begerron……….

    I hate this day care world of mediocrity and failure without consequence. Well, maybe hate is a bit strong.

  7. @L, thanks! šŸ™‚

    @Kid, we're beyond Harrison now; Holder has made it more than clear that his interest is solely in inequality (blacks are “more equal” to him … because of what was done to “his people”. Or something.) That “his people” thing is ridiculous, of course, I come from a long line of Irish people who were enslaved, tortured, murdered, raped, you name it by the English, and who found being an Irish immigrant in America a trial: Irish need not apply. Certainly not aristocratic Southern slave holders. Not that it matters, of course, all white people did “it” and deserve to be punished. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the descendants of slave owners should be punished, either–funnily enough, I don't think the Brits owe me a damn thing. And would not take it if it was on offer. I'm an American, not an Irish-American riddled with hatred and a sense of entitlement.

  8. Fuzzy, yes, this thing with the blacks is so absurd, starting with the Democrats are the slave owners (even today) and ending with None of the people alive today were slaves.
    As far as that goes, I'm sure I've got people in my recent ancestry who were salves to a non-unionized corporate America who were chewed up and spit out. You won't find me writing to Ford Motors telling them they owe me.

    This is all just a crutch now for people too ignorant or lazy or simply don't know any better because all they've ever know is the al sharpton and jesse jackson mantra. They're like the boat people, never setting foot on dry land.
    It would be hilarious if it didn't ruin so many lives that us evil conservatives, oddly, care about.

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