26 March 2011
President Obama announced his comprehensive college degree initiative that will ensure that every American obtains a college degree. Citing studies that the majority of college students who do not obtain degrees drop out, fail, or withdraw within the first two years of their higher education experience, President Obama has mandated that all four-year college degrees be awarded in eighteen (18) months. Because the numbers are slightly different at the nation’s community and junior colleges, all two-year college degrees will now be awarded in six (6) months.
The president is also urging universities and colleges to dispense with the dated and racist practice of issuing grades and/or evaluating student work. Saying that such practices unfairly target minorities for failure, the president is confident that the elimination of grading and evaluation coupled with the accelerated degree programs will ensure that more Americans than ever in the entire history of the world will obtain college degrees.
There are further plans to ensure this level of academic success is available to every American, whether or not they are citizens of the United States. A source close to the White House has confirmed that the newly-established College Degree czar will be sending college degrees to applicants who can show the following: they are not white males, they are currently not and have never been enrolled in a college or university, and that they have completed at least five (5) years of K-12 education. This program is still in the planning stages because there are concerns that the under-literate will not have the skills necessary to fill in the necessary application forms, making the system fundamentally unfair and ineffective in reaching its target audience.
27 March 2011
President Obama today announced that all American colleges and universities will be closed as of August 1, 2011. The president feels strongly that higher education is key to American success in the global market and has established a new program whereby all infants born in or near the United States will be granted college degrees at birth, thus eliminating the need for colleges and universities. This initiative, the president notes, will save state and the federal government monies that are currently being wasted on state universities. Expanding on the program, the president explains that to those infants of parents who wish to be citizens of the United States, college degrees will be issued upon entrance to or near the United States. ICE will forgo their currently “on hold” enforcement of immigration laws and will restructure to focus on ensuring that every immigrant and non-immigrant be issued a college degree by the U. S. government.
Border patrol, the National Guard, and assorted national security agencies will be working to issue college degrees at the border and replacing any section of fence or motion sensors with “take a number”-style degree dispensers. NASA is now overseeing the issuance of American college degrees in the Muslim world, ACORN is issuing college degrees along with voter id cards to a broad range of Americans and unaffiliated persons including the fictional and the dead, and PETA will be awarding American college degrees to all members of the animal kingdom.