Fuzzy’s Faux News: We’re All Criminals/Terrorists Now, Net Neutrality, Protecting Children and Their Rights

10 April 2011

In response to the recent report that all 9/11 responders have been put on the terrorist watch list, the president has announced that all victims of rape, incest, and sexual abuse will be placed on the national sex offender registry.  “It’s only fair,” the president explained, “that we treat all victims as equally guilty of whatever civilian or war crime was perpetrated against them.”

There are plans to begin taking fingerprint and DNA samples of all victims of all crimes and adding them to law enforcement databases.  To save money and resources, these samples will be taken when any crime occurs, when the crime scene investigators are on site and the crime is fresh on the so-called victim’s mind.  President Obama explains that this is a cost-saving measure, and responded to criticism that this policy treats everyone as a criminal and has the potential for unprecedented intrusions of privacy as well as an unprecedented array of Constitutional violations on the part of the federal government by saying, “‘Unprecedented,’ huh?  I like that.  I really like that.  Yes, it’s unprecedented.  Just like me.”

12 April 2011

As the FCC rolls out its new net neutrality measures and consumers are hit with new costs, taxes, and penalties for web surfing, the president told Americans that if they didn’t like it, they should stop using the internet or “just get a better job. It’s not like it’s that difficult to get a good-paying job.  Geez! What’s wrong with you whiners?”

An unkind, confrontational, unpatriotic, argumentative, and clearly evil reporter from Fox News asked if this was a reasonable response given the high unemployment figures and the myriad new connect, click, surf, and upload/download fees applied to every action someone takes online, including viewing and applying for jobs online and the hefty fees associated with uploading files, including resumes and cover letters.  The president responded by stating that he declared it reasonable and that it therefore was.  He reasonably explained that the reason for the reasonableness of this reasonable measure is that America is the richest country in the world and that the only reasonable conclusion to draw from that fact was that Americans are all rich and could therefore reasonably be expected to pay their “fair share” for use of internet services.  He said that what’s unreasonable is his enemies who want poor people to starve due to the lack of net neutrality fixes.  Such evil people, he reasons, are unreasonable, greedy people who don’t care about the environment, children, or the elderly.

[Editor’s note: we’ve received numerous queries about how net neutrality saves the environment or helps children and the elderly.  Please stop asking these silly questions.  It’s quite obvious:  the President of the United States of America said so.]

14 April 2011

After banning dangerous children’s activities such as tag, dodge ball, red light/green light, and Red Rover, schools are now looking at ways to support First Lady Obama’s war on obesity.  Mrs. Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative seems to fly in the face of all that we know about the dangers of activity / “moving” that threaten the physical, emotional, and psychological well-being of our nation’s children.  However, as the First Lady has noted, “as long as children are not eating, exposed to, or even permitted to see any unhealthy foods or beverages, inactivity should not lead to obesity.  The most important thing that will finally make me proud of my country will be the intravenous feeding of all schoolchildren.  In this way, we can ensure that they get the correct nutrients and can thrive.”

As of this writing, the Departments of Education and Homeland Security are working in concert with the Department of Health and Human Services to work on a program what will immobilize all children in their homes throughout the most dangerous times of their childhood.  Beginning at the age of 2, all children in the United States will be hooked up to a range of monitors and feeding / waste extraction tubing to ensure that they do not have to move until they reach the age of 18.

While pro-abortion groups are protesting this proposal on the grounds that it will mean fewer teens exercising their Constitutional right to have abortions early and often, the First Lady is adamant about this Immobilizing for Freedom, Health, Democracy, and National Security campaign and is setting up a commission to discuss ways that immobilized young girls can be impregnated under the supervision of the Department of Health and Human Services.  Planned Parenthood is particularly enthusiastic about this proposed solution and are organizing abortion delivery teams to treat the condition of pregnancy in our nation’s youth right in their homes and without infringing on their rights to nutrients, waste removal, and protection from harm that the Constitution guarantees.

We at Fuzzy’s Faux News call this a win-win that will for once and for all prove beyond any doubt  that a benevolent and caring government can, by means of centralized planning, support and foster true freedom and democracy for all citizens. 

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8 thoughts on “Fuzzy’s Faux News: We’re All Criminals/Terrorists Now, Net Neutrality, Protecting Children and Their Rights

  1. @Silverfiddle, on at least one occasion, one of my draft Faux News stories actually did happen (or too darned close for comfort), but let's hope these never do. 🙂 Write for the onion? Sure, do they pay? :/

  2. my only fear is that a lefty will see one of your faux news items and think, “hey, that sounds like a nifty idea! we should implement that.”

  3. @Trestin, it infuriated me, that's for sure. As does everything this admin does, especially the TSA, FCC, and EPA stuff. And yes, we “take it” . . . for now. Elections have consequences, and there is a big one on the horizon. The biggest. That's when the police state stops, or begins to stop.

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