April 17 2011
Faced with high, but not historically-high, unemployment, President Obama today announced that his commission on jobs will be meeting with his commission on unemployment, his commission on underemployment, and his who knew there’s no such thing as shovel-ready jobs and when did they know it commission. This unprecedented government engagement with a real problem facing America and Americans is expected to focus with laser-like precision that is just like a laser on the jobs problem and make recommendations to the President as early as next March.
April 23 2011
The president today held an unscheduled news conference to address the accusation by Joe the Plumber that he, the president, is still a socialist. We, in the press corpse, are becoming used to these unannounced press conferences and have begun taking it in shifts to sit near the door to the janitor’s cupboard in which we’re kept should there be any word of an impending presidential response to a random citizen’s accusations.
April 25 2011
At a White House press conference, the president wandered up to the podium and asked where Gibbsy is and why he hadn’t been told that his Gibbsy had left his position as White House Press Secretary. After an uncomfortable pause, we in the press corpse, sensing perhaps that our president would benefit from a showing of support, burst into an impromptu chorus of the “Mmm Mmm Mmm” song. The effect was instantaneous, and we were treated to President Obama speaking informally and hardly stuttering at all about how much he loved being president and getting to ride in planes and lounge around the White House with his feet on the furniture.
During this informal press conference, the president mused about the statistics regarding unemployment that he’d been seeing (Reggie Love likes to present the president with crayon sketches of information vital to the leader of the free world) and how he was personally hurt that some Americans appeared to be working two, even three jobs. President Obama said that he couldn’t understand how anyone, knowing that other Americans were out of work by the millions, could even think of taking a second job, one that an unemployed person could otherwise get. “That’s not,” he intoned disapprovingly, “who I’ve said we are as a people.”
April 26 2011
President Obama today announced a new “one person, one job” initiative aimed at ensuring that the jobs that are available be more fairly distributed among working people in this country. Under this plan, anyone who currently has a job but is also selfishly and greedily working a second or even third (or more!) job will be asked quite nicely by the DOJ, the NLRB, DHS, FBI, CIA, and the IRS to stop this job-destroying behavior. Anyone refusing this series of pleasant requests will have the wages from their higher-paying job/s confiscated. These government funds will then be funneled to the better Americans who understand that working more than one job is undesirable and unAmerican.
April 29 2011
Responding to the surprisingly negative public reaction to his immensely fair and socio-economically just “one person, one job” initiative, President Obama chided Americans who claimed that rising energy, gas, and food prices were making it difficult to make ends meet without additional sources of income. He told them that America is the richest country in the world and that he had to work for The Common Good and not be swayed by complaints by working Americans who couldn’t manage their money effectively and tighten their belt and make sacrifices like he does.
If I can get by on only one job and am setting such a good example, then every American should be able to do so, as well. I understand that some people who perhaps don’t have the best paying jobs are upset that additional sources of income are now cut off to them and their families, but we must all stand united to fight the war on unemployment. It’s not like it’s hard to get a better-paying job, after all it’s like when, you know, like when you need to save on gas costs, just inflate your tires or um, erm get some sort of vehicle that hasn’t been invented yet. Same here, if you want a better paying job, just go out and hit the pavement, but make sure you tie your shoes and zip up your fly.
The president is firm in his “one person, one job” proposal for ensuring that all available jobs are evenly distributed, and he added that there will be hardly any waivers issued to ensure that everyone he doesn’t like or approve of is held to the same standard under his executive order.
As of this writing, we have not been permitted to see the actual text of the EO, but understand that it will be available to us when it is moved to his presidential library after the president leaves office. He truly is the most transparent president ever.
May 12 2011
Nancy Pelosi today announced that the president’s “one person, one job” initiative is doing great things for the economy and that she’s proud to announce that in the short time since the not a law became the not a law of the land, the welfare and food stamp rolls have exploded.
She points to this as evidence that the government is working to help the needy in America and are indeed the purveyors of benevolent good will. “All of these new people receiving government assistance mean that the economy is booming,” the former and future Speaker of the House announced. She also asserted her belief that because of this new not a law, every America is now assured a place in Heaven. That, she says, is her and the president’s crowning achievement.
May 20 2011
As unemployment numbers continue to plummet under President Obama’s “one person, one job” initiative, the President declares a major victory and added “jobs transferred” to the “jobs created or saved” category: jobs created, saved, and/or
Unfortunately, an unforeseen problem has arisen in the presidential reassignment of jobs. As it turns out, not only are the new jobs on the market typically lower-paying and part-time, but the people who once held them also find themselves struggling to make ends meet without the additional income upon which they had relied. To resolve this problem, President Obama has announced that every job in America is to be unionized, that all workers will earn the exact same amount of money per year regardless of skill, education, hours worked, or experience. The new federally-mandated salary is a generous $25,000 per year, with full medical, dental, optical, and a generous pension beginning at age 35.
The president is confident that this unionization of all Americans, coupled with guaranteed fair wages will resolve whatever problems are unexpectedly cropping up because of his “one person, one job” initiative. President Obama assured us that “everyone being guaranteed a living wage is all that we need to get this economy humming again, you’ll see!”
May 23 2011
The president was uncharacteristically abrupt during today’s press conference. A number of professional organizations representing Americans whose careers are dependent upon advanced degrees and lengthy qualification procedures (such as physicians) have objected to the “one person, one job, one pay scale” initiative on the grounds that their members have spent up to a decade studying their field, training, becoming experts, and that their knowledge, skills, and experience are not being taken into account when a 15-year-old babysitter makes the same amount of money per year as they do.
This didn’t sit well with President Obama, who really is a champion of the people, and he put them firmly in their place:
So uh um you think you’re better than a fifteen-year-old? Really? Well, I was once 15, and you aren’t better than me. Not then, not now. You’re just whining because you think that effort and success should be rewarded, but you are wrong. Everyone is exactly the same and in my America, everyone will be paid exactly the same, whatever their contribution. And no! It does not matter that some of your professional members work 80 or 90 hours a week, applying their expertise to save lives or um, whatever. How does that make you better than someone who works five hours on a Saturday evening? Do you think babysitting is easy? Who are you to judge people like that?
This sort of greed and unfairness is exactly why I was elected president, and I’ve just had enough of this. As of right now, this minute, all professional organizations, except unions and those working closely with my administration, are disbanded. Period. I will not have you ruining America with your unfair, most likely racist in some way that I haven’t figured out yet, and judgmental ideas!
The president refused to take questions about the mass exodus of American businesses (everything from oil companies to the banking, entertainment, and manufacturing industries), that–finding no one willing to work full-time jobs for the federally-mandated “one pay scale” salary–were forced to set up shop outside the U. S. “I am glad those greedy capitalists have left us to nurture our new, fair and equal society,” President Obama noted. “We don’t need them!” He then, to our leg-tingling delight, stuck out his tongue at the press corpse and stomped from the room.
FFN interviewed a few people in relation to this new initiative:
Mr. A told us that he’d taken a second job as a pizza delivery driver when gas prices hit the president’s stated goal of $7: “I couldn’t afford on my day job salary to pay for gas to get to work. I commute an hour to work, you see, and then an hour back home again. And that adds up. I don’t know what I’m going to do now, it may not be worth keeping that job if I can’t afford to get there and back again. I’m looking into babysitting options.”
Ms. B, who was the lucky recipient of Mr. A’s pizza delivery driving job was surprisingly unappreciative of the president’s kindness: “I’ve been out of work for only two months, and I had my hopes set on finding a job in my profession and had some good leads, but my name came up in the job transfer lottery. I don’t get it. Other people have been out of work longer, including actual pizza delivery people. It’s hard to make the transition from being a brain surgeon to delivering pizzas, and I heard that once we got our job assignments, we are stuck with them and cannot leave them for a better position. Is that true? Oh my God!”
23 June 2011
Due to unexpected shortages in many formerly-well-paid professions, President Obama is mandating that every second baby born in America be designated as a future doctor, teacher, scientist, astronaut, etc. These babies will be educated–regardless of interest, skill, ambition, ability or desire–in their assigned profession. Because so many Americans are now babysitting once or twice a year to qualify for their national union pay and benefits, the president is confident that the newly-designated future professionals will be well-cared for until such time as they can grow up, learn their assigned profession, and begin performing these jobs.
Until then, the President admitted, not much will be accomplished in terms of work outside the now very popular babysitting profession. He did not take questions on the new government mandate that each American be formally “deemed” to have worked, due to no one actually needing a babysitter any longer.
When asked how much longer we could continue to borrow from foreign governments the money to pay every American their guaranteed national union salary and benefits, the president suffered a momentary and very worrying inability to hear. When he’d recovered, the president explained that “without hospitals, first-responders, a military, schools, courts, construction, farms, manufacturing, or anything other than babysitters, the country only appears to be in decline. It’s not. In fact, our economy is booming, just ask Nancy Pelosi.”
The President is confident that in twenty or thirty years, we’ll see an uptick in non-babysitting jobs because of the new “assigned profession” initiative. “We’ll get there. After all, it’s not,” he says, “unlike the way that my administration pushed gas prices up to $8 per gallon before we had an actual alternative energy supply source in place. We exceeded my goal by a dollar a gallon, and now no one drives at all, and the oceans have stopped rising and the earth is beginning to heal . . . just like I said would happen.” As he gracefully pranced to Air Force One to join Oprah and Paul McCartney for a lobster and champagne global sight-seeing and golfing tour, he added, “Shared sacrifice for The Greater Good is always difficult for everyone.”
June 30, 2011
A source close to the White House has revealed a new “relocation” initiative that entails the mandatory relocation of millions of American parents. Apparently, the president’s various commissions have determined that in order to ensure that every community is served by the right number of each profession, the parents of babies assigned to specific future jobs will need to relocate accordingly. We’ll have more on this as it develops.