Dear President Obama,
Despite your valiant efforts to cast the pearls of your vision for a “fundamental transformation” of America before the loutish, bitterly-clinging swine who call themselves Americans, you seem to have failed. And oh, no, Mr. President, please don’t misunderstand me, this is not your failure; you are a man above all others, a visionary who sees the past and strives to achieve regressive goals where all others failed. No, this is America’s failure.
Despite one hundred years of conditioning, Americans just aren’t ready for your efforts to breathe new life into an agenda once laughably believed to be dead because of its utter failure (and sure, a few hundred million dead, but hey! that’s the price you pay for Utopia. I get that). But America, this woefully backward failed nation, is just not worthy of your efforts. It’s a nation of horrors, war-mongering, greed, and . . . a bunch of other really bad stuff.
We know this because look at the resistance your courageous and bold efforts for The Greater Good have been met with: “people waving tea bags around,” people who don’t “thank” you for your efforts to increase their taxes and ensure that more and more people are on food stamps, unemployment, and welfare, people who–let’s face it–simply refuse, stubbornly and against their own best interests, to embrace your most excellent and backward-looking brand of “change.” These people don’t want your help, Sir, they just want to bumble along with that ridiculous “Constitutional Republic” and their “document of negative liberties.” They are rigidly determined to thwart your best efforts to guide them, to show them that they are much better off if they, like the fabulous Julia–who depends on no man, only the government for assistance (was there ever a more compelling example of women’s equality and ability?), accept your guiding hand and your benevolent, absolute authority.
Instead, these people, these so-called Americans, these capitalist swine, these lovers of “freedom” (how over-rated is that?! How dated!) insist on defending their tired old selfish ways, insisting that equal justice and equal opportunity are better than social or environmental or racial justice and opportunity. I mean, really! How nuts is that? These ignorant people with their fanciful ideas about a free market and a free people are beneath you. Have you heard them mumbling inanely about how they get rights not from you, our President and Dear Leader, but from . . . wait for it! . . . their “Creator”? How can you work with these “pro-America,” “pro-God” types who keep willfully misunderstanding your carefully-crafted message? Why would you even want to do so?
Mr. President, this nation simply doesn’t deserve you.
Look at the way they reject your brilliant take-over of 1/6th of the economy with your “Affordable Healthcare Act.” Look at the way they stomp their feet when you simply try to “rule” them as is your rightful place! Look at the way they point to your logical attempts to ensure utter control over their lives and call it “overreach.” Look at the way they call you a liar simply because you know best how to explain things to them so they’ll like them (and they still don’t! Such disobedience!). Look at the way they mock you and everything you do; you, the man who inspired such elementary school hits as the “Mmm mmm mmm” song! It’s unconscionable.
No, Mr. President, you are a man of and for a different era, an era in which the masses understood that they needed a supreme ruler. You are, after all, a man of such historic and unprecedented potential that even the Nobel committee acknowledged it! You are a man who wants to force your benevolence and vision on an undeserving nation. That, I respectfully submit, is beneath you both as a Global Citizen, Visionary, and Ruler and as a man. Why would you want to lift up and help these despicable rubes? Why would you waste your time on a people who neither recognize your greatness nor respect it? Why would you, in short, seek to impose your miraculous vision on such undeserving, ungrateful, unwashed masses?
No, Mr. President, your calling, great and wondrous as it is, must be greater, perhaps to lead the greater nations of this world: the Irans, the Venezualas, the Egypts, and the Syrias. Heck, I imagine that the EU would be thrilled to have your most excellent, most high understanding of the world and the order you seek to establish. Ignore these American ingrates, and set your sights on your higher calling where you can pursue your deepest desires amongst throngs who not only acknowledge your greatness but embrace it. Go global. America, so horribly out of touch with the rest of the world, is simply beneath you. Leave it be. They’ll fall under their own twisted ideas of “freedom” and that quaint notion of “American exceptionalism” . . . not to mention that the whole checks and balances / three co-equal branches thing is truly hampering your ability to “get things done.” “Co-equal” is just not acceptable. You must “rule”!
You belittle yourself by associating yourself with the people of America, with the nation of America. Best to turn your back on her, her people, and her past. It’s time, Sir, to move on to greener and redder pastures. Your boundless greatness is wasted here, your magical presence rejected by the stubborn and “free-spirited” American people. This cannot be tolerated, you must renounce your American citizenship in favor of global citizenship, set an example for the brave who know that globalism is the future! You must turn your back on a nation that will never support you or your vision.
Mr. President, with all due respect, it would be best for you and for the world if you rejected your party’s nomination for a second term. There is much to be done in the world, Sir, and only you–let’s face it–can get it done. America is weighing you down, embarrassing you with its wealth, ideals, opportunity, morality, and exceptionalism. You can do better.
Sincerely hoping you choose not to seek a second term,