We at Fuzzy’s Faux News Network were thrilled to contact President Obama and go over his Roanoke remarks about the tiny and selfish role of private business in the American economy. The GOP and their RAAAACIST followers are trying to take those patriotic remarks out of context, so we reached out to Teh most high Won for clarification.
Here are his original, tingle-inspiring words from Roanoke:
We actually scooped his own campaign on this rebuttal of the way the GOP is
using his own words taking his words out of context, having received his handwritten notes–he has lovely handwriting, by the way, and uses a lovely variety of crayon colors to express himself–prior to the airing of the following clarification:
Our clarification is, we feel, more clarifyingly clarifying than even this most edifying ad, and we run it in its clearly clarifying clarity below. When we couldn’t quite make out some of his statements (yellow crayon really doesn’t show up that well), we follow Teh most righteous Won’s lead and go more by what he should have said than what he actually said, even if he said “what I said was” . . . and then said something that was never said.
[Editors Note: We regret that we could not scan and present the president’s original response, but the crayons kept smearing on our scanner and our editor in chief almost blew a gasket when she saw the waxy smudges.]
The president’s actual Roanoke speech is in itals , and his added clarifications exclusively for Fuzzy’s Faux News are in regular font (and of course the full context of his remarks is posted above, it’s so clear in the full context how much our Dear Leader understands and supports traditional American values that we want to make sure you can access the full context easily in the full context of his context):
We’ve already made a trillion dollars’ worth of cuts. We can make some more cuts in programs that don’t work, and make government work more efficiently…We can make another trillion or trillion-two, and what we then do is ask for the wealthy to pay a little bit more …
What I said here was that the rich aren’t paying their fair share. I always say that, so you know it’s what I said, even if the words aren’t exactly right. If those rich would just fork up that “trillion-two,” we’d be doing just fine.
There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me, because they want to give something back. They know they didn’t -look, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart. There are a lot of smart people out there. It must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something – there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there.
When I said successful people didn’t get their on their own (twice), I clearly meant that they did (I’ve got an ad explaining it and everything). It’s not rocket science, minions. It’s fact. Everyone is just as smart and just as hard-working as everyone else. If some people somehow manage to get rich and successful–and I’m really not sure how that happens with everyone being identical (except me, of course), so I ignore it completely in my worldview–they have this idea like, “hey! I made that happen, it must have been my hard work and intellect in my field.” Nope. I reject that. Even though I think it’s true now that everyone’s picking on me and talking about me like I’m a dog.
All people deserve the exact same thing; that’s just fair. So if someone works over a hundred hours a week for years on end, sacrifices for their family, goes into debt to make their dream come true, they don’t deserve any more of that success (either in actual money or in claiming to be “successful” or “smart” or “hardworking.” Who cares about crap like that?!) than someone who sits on welfare and watches their big screen tv, using food stamps to buy lobster. See? If that person wasn’t on welfare and using food stamps, there’d be no economy, no roads . . . wait, I get to the roads thing next. But my point here is that all successful people are the exact same in every single way as the unsuccessful and that each depends on the other in some weird way that I don’t understand fully.
If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business. you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen. The Internet didn’t get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet.
So here’s the roads part. This is the part the meanies are bashing me with and taking out of context. Well, what I meant to say is that . . . look, they have roads in Cuba. And bridges. In fact, most countries in the world have roads and bridges and the internet. So they have to have wealth, global power, and success, right? Well, okay, erm, one second . . . so somehow things are different in America. Oh never mind, that’s not important because I’m working day and night to change that!
We know, intellectually, that big government means big success; the more we in the government do for and to you . . . with your money, the more you prosper. That’s communism 101. So yeah, you think you’re smarter and harder working, *scoff*, think that! But where would you be without roads and bridges? And the internet? Without someone else making all that happen, you wouldn’t even exist. How would your dad have met your mom if he couldn’t drive on a road or call her on the phone, which was also, by the way, invented by the government. In fact, without the government, no one would even know how to have sex properly. You wouldn’t have been conceived without the government, for My sake!
The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together. There are some things, just like fighting fires, we don’t do on our own. I mean, imagine if everybody had their own fire service. That would be a hard way to organize fighting fires.
You know, I’m not actually sure why I said this. It makes no sense at all. But the whole idea of people trying to put out fires alone makes me giggle. Maybe that’s why I said it?
So we say to ourselves, ever since the founding of this country, you know what, there are some things we do better together. That’s how we funded the GI Bill. That’s how we created the middle class. That’s how we built the Golden Gate Bridge or the Hoover Dam. That’s how we invented the Internet. That’s how we sent a man to the moon. We rise or fall together as one nation and as one people, and that’s the reason I’m running for president – because I still believe in that idea. You’re not on your own, we’re in this together.
Oh! I see now, get it? I say that government does do some good, so it must be ALL good all the time, in every way, in every aspect of your life. Get it!? Fires need firefighters who are public workers, so that automatically means that you don’t really count as a person. You’re one of the great collective who sent a man to the moon and sold your individuality, personal responsibility, opportunity, and freedom for a dam. A damned fine dam at that!
That’s how I see it, anyway, and I think I’m right. That’s the choice in this election. Do you want to be on your own with no firefighters and dams, or do you want to be a subject, a number? Clearly, that’s the choice. There is nothing else. Just all government all the time or none, none at all. So there! (and yes, I’m the smartest person in the whole big wide world and in all of history and for all time ever. So there!) So decide. Do you want to live under tyranny or anarchy? That’s the choice here, that’s the decision. Forget that stupid old Constitution, we’re beyond that “Republic” stuff, time to think either / or, all or nothing.
And did I mention that I’m among the greatest thinkers evah?!