February 21, 2013
Right-wing extremists are in “I told you so” mode in the wake of President Obama’s “healthy housing initiative.” They claim that they warned that anything related to one’s health would become the target of President Obama’s wonderful Affordable Healthcare Act (what they disparagingly term “ObamaCare,” but what we, in the subjective and wholly-responsible media, deem an edict from our god and reclaim as something wonderful and good). And now these radical radicals on the radical right claim that the president, our lord and savior, has done exactly what they predicted in “over-stepping his authority” simply because His administration is working night and day to develop new regulations for every American’s home because of the clear and direct link between a citizen’s health and his or her home. Clearly, these extremists are not only extremely extreme but also ungratefully lacking in grateful gratitude. We’re shocked here at FFN, shocked, I say!
February 23, 2013
President Obama’s press conference was a delight! I got to ask my White House-prepared, Valerie Jarrett-approved question. On TV! Wow. I’m still a bit giddy from the experience, but here’s what I was told to ask, er, what I asked:
“President Obama, Sir, Lord and Savior, Sir, it’s clear to everyone with a brain that your new healthy housing initiative is a popular and fiscal success. What, Oh Glorious One, is next in terms of ensuring the full health and safety of the American people, your servants?”
After he deigned to look at the space just over my head and smile in my general direction, the great and glorious President Obama detailed his next health initiative.
The president noted that a six-year-old girl had written to him and told him that her favorite color is purple because it makes her happy. This, he stated, gave him the idea that happy people are healthy people, so he’s getting the Department of Health and Human Services to begin a new “Paint the Planet Purple” initiative. He modestly acknowledged that he means only the United States at this time, but that it didn’t start with a “P” and messed up his metaphor. Some clown from Fox News shouted out that the president probably meant “alliteration,” but he was promptly shot by a passing drone for his unseemly insubordination and challenge to the boss of the United States. “Such treason will always be dealt with swiftly,” intoned our Dearest of Dear Dearest Leader before he explained his Purple initiative.
Every citizen in the United States will be issued a purple uniform and is encouraged to paint their homes (exterior and interior), cars, out buildings, and any other structures on “their” land purple. The encouragement consists of the notification to do as the president asks and the choice to not fulfill his fondest wish and be droned. As always, the great and marvelous president honors free people and allows them to make their own decisions. It’s humbling, really, to be in the presence of such benevolence.
All citizens will be required to wear their purple uniforms at any time that they are publicly visible. “Publicly visible” means all the time, thankfully, because our Fantabulous Greatness has drones, cameras, and multiple other classified means of watching every American’s every move. Isn’t that a comfort! The Unicorn King has also promised that he will recraft not only the tired old American flag but his very own logo to reflect the new purple, the color of health and fitness. He noted that his logo, being far superior to the dated American flag, will supplant it. What a relief! It’s so much simpler to have one national symbol, don’t you agree?
March 2, 2013
The president is so pleased with his healthy housing and purple initiatives that he called a press conference to announce the next initiative to ensure the health of every American. President Obama, arriving in his purple ensemble with great fanfare, declared that from this day forward no American would ever again suffer from the myriad health complications associated with fat, sugar, and starch. Citing a truly long list of health professionals who deem fat, sugar, and starch as the worst offenders in our diet, the things that create the most obesity, diabetes, lethargy, and doldrums, the President announced that all Americans would be receiving prepared meals from the government, that all grocery, convenience, and other stores that sold food stuffs would be abolished immediately.
Meal delivery is dependent on government funding, and as of now, the obstructionists in the Republican Party are refusing to go along with this life-saving plan. They cite everything from their greedy capitalist belief in the free market (imagine being upset that thousands of factories, farms, stores, means of delivery, etc. would be eliminated! Can’t they see the big picture? The Greater Good? Of course not!) to that long-debunked myth about “freedom.” Freedom? Really? Instead of our government working to ensure that we are all equal in every way, healthy beyond our own ability, and just plain happy? They are truly the most extreme extremists. I’m sure that drones are circling them all as I type this. If I’m right, then meals should be available to everyone in American within six months. That, dear reader, is true government efficiency!
The Most High One also proclaimed that every woman would still have complete and total control of her body because abortions would be readily available to all, even if you’re not pregnant. Or even a woman! No discrimination in our Greatness’s government. Americans will always have the choice when it comes to their bodies, assured the president. As long as that doesn’t include the intake of any government-banned substances like sugar, fat, or starch. And some other things that don’t even matter because who really wants to wear anything that isn’t a government-issued purple uniform of the people?