Fuzzy’s Faux News: President’s Obama’s Racial Parity Plan

April 11, 2014

Among the announcements that the Obama administration made today was the exciting mention of a plan to ensure racial fairness and equality in America.  Distressed that African Americans make up only 14% of the American population, the Obama administration is in talks with the designers of China’s “One Child” policy to hammer out a means of growing this important segment of our population.  The goal is to limit the number of children that whites and, to a lesser extent, Hispanics and other non-African Americans can have, so that the African American population can grow to equal the number of whites over the next three decades.  The details of this plan have not been revealed, but some that have been released include a halt to all births of whites for a decade and a restriction on the number of children whites (and others, not African American) can have in the two decades that follow.

Another detail that was revealed is the potentially-controversial banning of abortion among America’s African American population; however, this ban will not affect access to this vital healthcare treatment for whites and, to a lesser degree, Hispanics, Asians, and those races that are difficult to codify but that are definitely not African American.  “This is a matter not only of national security, the nation’s economy, the environment, childhood obesity, and gun control” Obama noted at a recent fund-raiser/golf outing, “but it is a vital step in ensuring that the black voice is heard in America.  Can you imagine any other nation on earth allowing such a disparity in numbers of its voting demographics population segments as we have here? It just doesn’t happen in the 21st century.  This racial injustice, this disenfranchisement of the black voice must be remedied!”

Some have noted that this will mean a sharp decline in abortions because African Americans make up the majority of all aborted babies in many states.  Noting the concern of abortion care providers who are worried they will lose tax payer funding and other revenue, President Obama explained that he was going to make up the loss by requiring that all white women who are carrying a white, potentially white, or suspected white baby have an abortion.  This, he assures us, will only be in place for one decade, to “give others a chance.  It’s only fair that the African American population meet the numbers of the white population.  How can anyone reject this fundamental premise that Jesus talks about in the Bible and that such stars as Pajama Boy and that guy with the hat extol in tax payer funded rap videos?”

There is also some push back from progressives who are, according to President Obama, not adjusting their eugenic vision for the new world order and are “stuck in the 19th Century.”  Upon hearing this charge, the recalcitrant progressives promptly blushed, shuffled their feet uncomfortably, voted by finger up twinkles, and began hailing the president’s wonderful new plan for racial equality.  In a subtle message to Russia’s Vladimir Putin, the president beamed at them and gave a special “shout out” to them for their proper response to his corrective taunt.

April 17, 2014

Responding to outrage from conservatives who are already saying that they will refuse government-mandated abortions and forced sterilization, President Obama remained his usual unruffled, calm, majestic self.  “Some people are calling me a fascist and are talking me about me like I’m a dog because I champion equality, because I stand firm in transforming this nation into the one I envision,” President Obama intoned at a recent pre-taped press conference at which we all watched a video of the president’s remarks.  “These people are unAmerican and are clearly brainwashed by Fox News.  Any white person who does not volunteer for the government sterilization program or agree not to have children for 10, possibly 30ish, years is clearly a racist, maybe even a traitor. All these so-called ‘black conservatives’ who are outraged should add themselves to this list; I hereby deem them no longer black.  And that’s official!”  The video is paused here, and we in the press corpse cheer enthusiastically!  After we quieted down, Jay Carney pushed the “play” button for us.  President Obama concluded, “How can anyone reject the sensible plans for racial equality that I have laid out?  They cannot! Luckily, I have my pen and my phone, and with these, I will ensure that my racial justice, equality, parity, fairest fair fairness for all plan be enforced by every agency from the DOJ to the IRS to the EPA to NASA!”

Fuzzy’s Faux News: AGW Out, EGF In

January 1, 2024

In the wake of Guam tipping over and sinking into the Pacific Ocean last month, Representative Hank Johnson (D-GA) is being hailed as a prophet.  His prescient question at a House Armed Services Committee in 2010 was mocked far and wide at the time, but Prophet Johnson is having the last laugh.  And laugh he is, though he is insistent that he finds no humor in the hundreds of thousands of people who were killed in The Great Guam Capsizing (TGGC) of 2023.

Emperor King High Messiah Obama was quick to reach out to Prophet Johnson and seek his wise counsel as ObamAmerika searches for ways to address the deep problems that TGGC revealed.  Stating his firm resolve to protect not only ObamAmerika but the world from such future catastrophes, Emperor King High Messiah Obama has reestablished his political scientist teams from back in the days before His High and Most Revered Government single-handedly stopped anthropomorphic global warming (AGW) in the twenty-teens, allowing us all freedom from fossil fuel energy and from the burdens of a booming economy.

March 2, 2024

Following two months of imaginative brain-storming and story boarding, Emperor King High Messiah Obama’s crack team of political scientists have discovered the irrefutable and now-settled fact, truth, verity that the earth’s gravitational field (EGF) is in clear and present danger.  Citing the fact that Guam never corrected (the scientific term is “uncapsized”) as well as some convincing scientific evidence having to do with faulty gravity fields and imbalanced, unfair distribution of the globe’s populace, the team has concluded that the entire planet is, once again, in danger of complete destruction.  If the world’s people are not moved to strategic locations to counter-balance the earth’s axis and reestablish the EGF within five (5) years, the report reveals, the EGF will cease to function, and everything that is not rooted will float into space.  Everything not latched down will cause massive space littering, and all people and animals (insects, fish, etc.) will die when they become “de-gravitized” by the loss of the EGF.

“Time is of the essence,” intoned Emperor King High Messiah Obama.  “ObamAmerika will rise to the challenge and set the example for the global community.  Prophet Johnson will begin immediately identifying at-risk islands–those most likely to capsize before our full plan to realign the planet and restore the EGF can be implemented.  From these islands, the people and their heavier belongings will be relocated to the stabilizer regions identified by our great nation’s greatest scientists.”

“To that end,” continued Emperor King High Messiah Obama, “I am proud to disband and reassign all ObamAmerika military forces as follows: the Navy (and its Marine contingent) will become the EGF U-Haul Division, responsible for packing and loading moving vans, ships, etc.; the Air Force will be the “eyes in the sky,” alerting hundreds of executive branch agencies to any signs of potential capsizing of the world’s islands.  They will continue in this function until the population can be fully moved to the EGF stabilizer free zones; the Army will be the construction crews who will begin at once building EGF-friendly federal family communities in those areas (aka EGF stabilizer zones or EGFSZs) deemed essential to maintaining the planet’s EGF.  Other military structures and organizations, such as the Coast Guard, will be put to good use for The Greater Good that is yet to be determined.”

Emperor King High Messiah Obama then rallied the people of ObamAmerika as only He can: “Arise, my children, my loving and loyal pets!  Answer the call of your Leader, your Country, the World!  Begin now!  Destroy your heavier–and therefore destructive to the earth’s gravitational field–appliances, turn in your cars, trucks, and other large, heavy possessions to the nearest Government Office for the Protection of Gravity.  Do it now, and be vastly rewarded when you are moved to the new EGF zones of concentrated population that will–I promise!–restore the earth’s gravitational field! Period.”

“Only this move will secure the future gravitational stability of the planet, and you will be fed government-approved nutritional gruel, housed in mile-high dormitories, assigned work and leisure time; your life will have new meaning as you work with me to stop the reversal of gravity that threatens all living, half-living, once-living, soon-to-be-living, and may never live but still deserve dignity and respect and tolerance and My love!”

June 23, 2024

As the six regional ObamAmerika EGF zones fill up with people who have been redistributed to meet the planet’s gravitational needs, there has been a lot of resistance from the once-thought effectively silenced and disbanded so-called conservative and libertarian groups.  These groups do still exist despite their being outlawed under penalty of death by our Most High Obama in late November of 2016 after he dismantled Congress, rewrote the Constitution, and brought the Supreme Court into the Executive Branch.

Although we are loathe to give credence to these radical, anti-science zealots, some of their messaging appears to be hampering the Great Cause of Our Time, EGF.  With that in mind, we want to address their ridiculous claims so that you, dear readers and loyal ObamAmerikans, will not trouble your heads with their flights of fancy.  Remember, these are the same laughable morons who claim that Ted Cruz actually won the 2016 presidential election that, only by happenstance, preceded the Emperor King High Messiah Obama’s proper restructuring of the old “America” and its dated, clunky government apparatus laid out in that silly, almost-forgotten “Constitution.”

These groups argue several points that are, frankly and by this ObamAmerikan reporter’s word of honor, disgraceful, treasonous, and blasphemous against Emperor King High Messiah Obama’s unchallenged Messiahdom.  They say that Guam did not capsize, that the majority of the people of Guam were annihilated by ObamAmerika nuclear bombs, that the few survivors have been broadcasting from that lost island via (get this!) ham radio, that the earth’s gravitational field is not at risk, that the EGF crisis is but a means to an end first dreamed up in the last century and having to do with the UN’s Agenda 21, and a few other silly assertions (for example, that the EGF crisis is yet another “hoax” like the hole in the ozone and the AGW threat. Imagine!).

These claims are easily refuted, of course.  Guam did capsize and we know this because the Great and Marvelous Truth-Teller Obama has told us so.  We also have pictures that clearly depict open expanses of ocean where we have been told Guam once stood.  Their treasonous claims that they have accessed the long-defunct Google Earth and have satellite images of the island, still upright, make this claim all the more laughable.  No one can access that awful, treasonous technology.  Emperor King High Messiah Obama has told us that it is no longer accessible.  Case closed.  Ditto the claims of nuclear bombs and “ham” radio!  And who are they, troglodytes and illiterates one and all, to claim they have any knowledge of the complex science of gravity?  Ha!  We at FNN scoff openly at these claims!  As to that old boogey-man the UN’s Agenda 21; no one is forcing anyone to move to the EGF stabilizer free zones!  ObamAmerikans are simply being given their own free choice: move to these zones as patriots and free citizens of the planet or be killed on the spot as a traitor and threat to global gravitational stability.  They have a choice here, after all, so it’s not “tyranny” as they claim.

We urge you to join the truly enlightened citizens of ObamAmerika and reject the childish, anti-intellectual ideas perpetrated by traitors and terrorists.  Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that what Emperor King High Messiah Obama and the Prophet Johnson say is final and true; add in the entire scientific community, who all agree with no dissent whatsoever of any kind ever, that the EGF crisis is real, and you can clearly see who is on the right side of history here.

 

Fuzzy’s Faux News: ObamaCare Initiatives for the Federal Family

February 21, 2013

Right-wing extremists are in “I told you so” mode in the wake of President Obama’s “healthy housing initiative.”  They claim that they warned that anything related to one’s health would become the target of President Obama’s wonderful Affordable Healthcare Act (what they disparagingly term “ObamaCare,” but what we, in the subjective and wholly-responsible media, deem an edict from our god and reclaim as something wonderful and good).  And now these radical radicals on the radical right claim that the president, our lord and savior, has done exactly what they predicted in “over-stepping his authority” simply because His administration is working night and day to develop new regulations for every American’s home because of the clear and direct link between a citizen’s health and his or her home.  Clearly, these extremists are not only extremely extreme but also ungratefully lacking in grateful gratitude.  We’re shocked here at FFN, shocked, I say!

February 23, 2013

President Obama’s press conference was a delight!  I got to ask my White House-prepared, Valerie Jarrett-approved question. On TV!  Wow.  I’m still a bit giddy from the experience, but here’s what I was told to ask, er, what I asked:

“President Obama, Sir, Lord and Savior, Sir, it’s clear to everyone with a brain that your new healthy housing initiative is a popular and fiscal success.  What, Oh Glorious One, is next in terms of ensuring the full health and safety of the American people, your servants?”

After he deigned to look at the space just over my head and smile in my general direction, the great and glorious President Obama detailed his next health initiative.

The president noted that a six-year-old girl had written to him and told him that her favorite color is purple because it makes her happy.  This, he stated, gave him the idea that happy people are healthy people, so he’s getting the Department of Health and Human Services to begin a new “Paint the Planet Purple” initiative.  He modestly acknowledged that he means only the United States at this time, but that it didn’t start with a “P” and messed up his metaphor.  Some clown from Fox News shouted out that the president probably meant “alliteration,” but he was promptly shot by a passing drone for his unseemly insubordination and challenge to the boss of the United States.  “Such treason will always be dealt with swiftly,” intoned our Dearest of Dear Dearest Leader before he explained his Purple initiative.

Every citizen in the United States will be issued a purple uniform and is encouraged to paint their homes (exterior and interior), cars, out buildings, and any other structures on “their” land purple.  The encouragement consists of the notification to do as the president asks and the choice to not fulfill his fondest wish and be droned.  As always, the great and marvelous president honors free people and allows them to make their own decisions.  It’s humbling, really, to be in the presence of such benevolence.

All citizens will be required to wear their purple uniforms at any time that they are publicly visible.  “Publicly visible” means all the time, thankfully, because our Fantabulous Greatness has drones, cameras, and multiple other classified means of watching every American’s every move.  Isn’t that a comfort!  The Unicorn King has also promised that he will recraft not only the tired old American flag but his very own logo to reflect the new purple, the color of health and fitness.  He noted that his logo, being far superior to the dated American flag, will supplant it.  What a relief!  It’s so much simpler to have one national symbol, don’t you agree?

March 2, 2013

The president is so pleased with his healthy housing and purple initiatives that he called a press conference to announce the next initiative to ensure the health of every American.  President Obama, arriving in his purple ensemble with great fanfare, declared that from this day forward no American would ever again suffer from the myriad health complications associated with fat, sugar, and starch.  Citing a truly long list of health professionals who deem fat, sugar, and starch as the worst offenders in our diet, the things that create the most obesity, diabetes, lethargy, and doldrums, the President announced that all Americans would be receiving prepared meals from the government, that all grocery, convenience, and other stores that sold food stuffs would be abolished immediately.

Meal delivery is dependent on government funding, and as of now, the obstructionists in the Republican Party are refusing to go along with this life-saving plan.  They cite everything from their greedy capitalist belief in the free market (imagine being upset that thousands of factories, farms, stores, means of delivery, etc. would be eliminated!  Can’t they see the big picture? The Greater Good?  Of course not!) to that long-debunked myth about “freedom.”  Freedom?  Really?  Instead of our government working to ensure that we are all equal in every way, healthy beyond our own ability, and just plain happy?  They are truly the most extreme extremists. I’m sure that drones are circling them all as I type this.  If I’m right, then meals should be available to everyone in American within six months.  That, dear reader, is true government efficiency!

The Most High One also proclaimed that every woman would still have complete and total control of her body because abortions would be readily available to all, even if you’re not pregnant.  Or even a woman!  No discrimination in our Greatness’s government.  Americans will always have the choice when it comes to their bodies, assured the president.  As long as that doesn’t include the intake of any government-banned substances like sugar, fat, or starch.  And some other things that don’t even matter because who really wants to wear anything that isn’t a government-issued purple uniform of the people?

Fuzzy’s Faux News: 2013 SOTU, Two Important Revenue Initiatives

January 30, 2013

In yesterday’s State of the Union address, the Glorious and Most-Revered President Obama reassured Americans that the state of the union is exactly what and where he and his administration wants it to be and laid out a few of his goals for the coming year.

The president, speaking in a commanding tone he’s not assumed since 2009, assured Americans that the national debt being just over $16 trillion dollars is a boon to the American economy.  Citing the import of borrowing more than forty cents on every dollar, President Obama explained that debt is positive and is building confidence in the American dollar because so many people are betting on its failure.  This, he states with pride, is causing the stock market to roar with a bullish fever that he is assured will help build the government’s coffers and thus improve the life of every American.

How this will happen is not entirely clear, but we at Fuzzy’s News Network (FNN), have every confidence in our Dear Leader.  Stating that by 2016 he hopes to have the national debt up to $20 trillion, thus further improving the lives of every day Americans, President Obama laid out his plans for achieving this seemingly impossible goal.  FNN is confident that this president–more than any other–is capable not only of achieving but of actually surpassing this modest goal (after all, this most extraordinary president managed to add $5 trillion in national debt in under four years!).

Following is an overview of two important new initiatives the administration is planning for the near-term:

Taxation of health insurance benefit potential.

This is a widely-hailed and much-supported initiative that will create $15 trillion–give or take $15 trillion–in new revenue for the federal government.  In last night’s address to an adoring nation, the president used his popular Affordable Healthcare Act’s requirement that all children up to the age of 26 be permitted to stay on their parents’ health insurance as an example of how this new policy will be implemented.  Each child of “working age,” excepting those still in college, will have the cost of the healthcare insurance they are provided designated as income, and that income will then, of course, be taxed.  Therefore, each qualifying individual will be afforded the patriotic experience of being taxed on their health benefits.  This, the president intoned, will have a dual effect: the child–up to the age of 26 and receiving health insurance benefits on their parents’ plan–will be a part of the American Dream, paying for their benefits as if they were actually responsible adults; further, the government will receive taxes on the “income” generated by this policy.

The president also added that the same policy will be implemented for each insured American citizen–except for children, who are so-designated if they are up to the age of 26 and their health insurance is provided for by their parents–for health insurance benefits, with each policy’s potential expenditure for each year treated as income.  To evaluate the potential income for each American citizen, the president is setting up numerous committees who will determine how much each American citizen would receive from the minimum government-mandated insurance policy.  For example, the president related the experience of a fan who’d written to him that she had been diagnosed with four kinds of cancer, needed a heart transplant, and was also suffering from painful bunions.  The new Health Insurance Potential Cost-As-Income Committee will tally the costs of treating such severe conditions, add in the government-required coverage for prostate exams (for women) and gynecological and breast exams (for men), and then add that total to the insured’s gross income for taxation purposes.

This is a wonderful idea because the costs of such treatments could easily be tens of millions of dollars; this will appeal, the president asserts, to Republicans who are always seeking to broaden the tax base.  With this plan, every single American will be a millionaire!  No president in the history of the United States has presided over an economy that created so many millionaires, and this unprecedented accomplishment will surely garner support from Republicans, who, after all, love creating millionaires.

Taxation for beautification.

President Obama announced that now that American tax payers are paying for everyone’s birth control, abortion-on-demand, and sex reassignment surgeries, it’s time to assess the import to self-esteem and personal fulfillment that accompanies these great (taxed, see above) benefits.  To this end, the president read a letter from a teenager who lamented that she was unable to afford tattoos, breast augmentation, anal bleaching (bleaching of the area around one’s anal opening), body piercings, tanning, and clitter (glitter for one’s vagina).  She told the president that she felt suicidal because her human rights were being suppressed.  Expressing his great sorrow at this growing predicament of so many Americans, the most benevolent, most high Obama proclaimed that starting in June of this year, body beautification would be his priority and that he would work with Congress to ensure that all Americans can obtain whatever tattooing, augmentations (etc.), bleachings, piercings, tanning, and clitter that they need to make them happy and contented as human beings.  “Ensuring that our fellow Americans feel good about themselves is who we are as a people,” the president asserted.

Citing a study that proves beyond any reasonable doubt that bigger breasts and a white butt hole lead to personal satisfaction and increased productivity, the president promised that by the end of the year every person in America–citizen or not, male or female or in between–will be able to acquire the beautification they desire for free.  This free benefit will be paid for by a $35 individual monthly surcharge to American citizens to the federal government.  This new “direct tax” will be a model, the president promises, for future initiatives that guarantee each American’s pursuit of happiness.  The president did note, in his great and supreme wisdom, that this amount may change depending on how many foreign tourists, illegal immigrants, and American citizens seek the great and enduring benefits of pierced nipples and a lack of tan lines.

Fuzzy Flashback: Bumps in the Road to The Greater Good

Okay, so that’s a new title for an old post:  “Fuzzy’s Faux News: Central Planning/Unintended Consequences Edition,” but I thought it might be a good thing to look again (satirically, of course) at central planning.

April 17 2011

Faced with high, but not historically-high, unemployment, President Obama today announced that his commission on jobs will be meeting with his commission on unemployment, his commission on underemployment, and his who knew there’s no such thing as shovel-ready jobs and when did they know it commission.  This unprecedented government engagement with a real problem facing America and Americans is expected to focus with laser-like precision that is just like a laser on the jobs problem and make recommendations to the President as early as next March.

April 23 2011

The president today held an unscheduled news conference to address the accusation by Joe the Plumber that he, the president, is still a socialist.  We, in the press corpse, are becoming used to these unannounced press conferences and have begun taking it in shifts to sit near the door to the janitor’s cupboard in which we’re kept should there be any word of an impending presidential response to a random citizen’s accusations.

April 25 2011

At a White House press conference, the president wandered up to the podium and asked where Gibbsy is and why he hadn’t been told that his Gibbsy had left his position as White House Press Secretary.  After an uncomfortable pause, we in the press corpse, sensing perhaps that our president would benefit from a showing of support, burst into an impromptu chorus of the “Mmm Mmm Mmm” song.  The effect was instantaneous, and we were treated to President Obama speaking informally and hardly stuttering at all about how much he loved being president and getting to ride in planes and lounge around the White House with his feet on the furniture.

During this informal press conference, the president mused about the statistics regarding unemployment that he’d been seeing (Reggie Love likes to present the president with crayon sketches of information vital to the leader of the free world) and how he was personally hurt that some Americans appeared to be working two, even three jobs.  President Obama said that he couldn’t understand how anyone, knowing that other Americans were out of work by the millions, could even think of taking a second job, one that an unemployed person could otherwise get.  “That’s not,” he intoned disapprovingly, “who I’ve said we are as a people.”

April 26 2011

President Obama today announced a new “one person, one job” initiative aimed at ensuring that the jobs that are available be more fairly distributed among working people in this country.  Under this plan, anyone who currently has a job but is also selfishly and greedily working a second or even third (or more!) job will be asked quite nicely by the DOJ, the NLRB, DHS, FBI, CIA, and the IRS to stop this job-destroying behavior.  Anyone refusing this series of pleasant requests will have the wages from their higher-paying job/s confiscated.  These government funds will then be funneled to the better Americans who understand that working more than one job is undesirable and unAmerican.

April 29 2011

Responding to the surprisingly negative public reaction to his immensely fair and socio-economically just “one person, one job” initiative, President Obama chided Americans who claimed that rising energy, gas, and food prices were making it difficult to make ends meet without additional sources of income.  He told them that America is the richest country in the world and that he had to work for The Common Good and not be swayed by complaints by working Americans who couldn’t manage their money effectively and tighten their belt and make sacrifices like he does.

If I can get by on only one job and am setting such a good example, then every American should be able to do so, as well.  I understand that some people who perhaps don’t have the best paying jobs are upset that additional sources of income are now cut off to them and their families, but we must all stand united to fight the war on unemployment. It’s not like it’s hard to get a better-paying job, after all it’s like when, you know, like when you need to save on gas costs, just inflate your tires or um, erm get some sort of vehicle that hasn’t been invented yet.  Same here, if you want a better paying job, just go out and hit the pavement, but make sure you tie your shoes and zip up your fly.

The president is firm in his “one person, one job” proposal for ensuring that all available jobs are evenly distributed, and he added that there will be hardly any waivers issued to ensure that everyone he doesn’t like or approve of is held to the same standard under his executive order.

As of this writing, we have not been permitted to see the actual text of the EO, but understand that it will be available to us when it is moved to his presidential library after the president leaves office.  He truly is the most transparent president ever.

May 12 2011

Nancy Pelosi today announced that the president’s “one person, one job” initiative is doing great things for the economy and that she’s proud to announce that in the short time since the not a law became the not a law of the land, the welfare and food stamp rolls have exploded.

She points to this as evidence that the government is working to help the needy in America and are indeed the purveyors of benevolent good will.  “All of these new people receiving government assistance mean that the economy is booming,” the former and future Speaker of the House announced.  She also asserted her belief that because of this new not a law, every America is now assured a place in Heaven.  That, she says, is her and the president’s crowning achievement.

May 20 2011

As unemployment numbers continue to plummet under President Obama’s “one person, one job” initiative, the President declares a major victory and added “jobs transferred” to the “jobs created or saved” category:  jobs created, saved, and/or redistributed transferred.

Unfortunately, an unforeseen problem has arisen in the presidential reassignment of jobs.  As it turns out, not only are the new jobs on the market typically lower-paying and part-time, but the people who once held them also find themselves struggling to make ends meet without the additional income upon which they had relied.  To resolve this problem, President Obama has announced that every job in America is to be unionized, that all workers will earn the exact same amount of money per year regardless of skill, education, hours worked, or experience.   The new federally-mandated salary is a generous $25,000 per year, with full medical, dental, optical, and a generous pension beginning at age 35.

The president is confident that this unionization of all Americans, coupled with guaranteed fair wages will resolve whatever problems are unexpectedly cropping up because of his “one person, one job” initiative. President Obama assured us that “everyone being guaranteed a living wage is all that we need to get this economy humming again, you’ll see!”

May 23 2011

The president was uncharacteristically abrupt during today’s press conference.  A number of professional organizations representing Americans whose careers are dependent upon advanced degrees and lengthy qualification procedures (such as physicians) have objected to the “one person, one job, one pay scale” initiative on the grounds that their members have spent up to a decade studying their field, training, becoming experts, and that their knowledge, skills, and experience are not being taken into account when a 15-year-old babysitter makes the same amount of money per year as they do.

This didn’t sit well with President Obama, who really is a champion of the people, and he put them firmly in their place:

So uh um you think you’re better than a fifteen-year-old?  Really?  Well, I was once 15, and you aren’t better than me.  Not then, not now.  You’re just whining because you think that effort and success should be rewarded, but you are wrong.  Everyone is exactly the same and in my America, everyone will be paid exactly the same, whatever their contribution.  And no!  It does not matter that some of your professional members work 80 or 90 hours a week, applying their expertise to save lives or um, whatever.  How does that make you better than someone who works five hours on a Saturday evening?  Do you think babysitting is easy?  Who are you to judge people like that?

 

This sort of greed and unfairness is exactly why I was elected president, and I’ve just had enough of this.  As of right now, this minute, all professional organizations, except unions and those working closely with my administration, are disbanded.  Period.  I will not have you ruining America with your unfair, most likely racist in some way that I haven’t figured out yet, and judgmental ideas!

The president refused to take questions about the mass exodus of American businesses (everything from oil companies to the banking, entertainment, and manufacturing industries), that–finding no one willing to work full-time jobs for the federally-mandated “one pay scale” salary–were forced to set up shop outside the U. S.  “I am glad those greedy capitalists have left us to nurture our new, fair and equal society,” President Obama noted.  “We don’t need them!” He then, to our leg-tingling delight, stuck out his tongue at the press corpse and stomped from the room.

FFN interviewed a few people in relation to this new initiative:

Mr. A told us that he’d taken a second job as a pizza delivery driver when gas prices hit the president’s stated goal of $7:  “I couldn’t afford on my day job salary to pay for gas to get to work.  I commute an hour to work, you see, and then an hour back home again.  And that adds up.  I don’t know what I’m going to do now, it may not be worth keeping that job if I can’t afford to get there and back again.  I’m looking into babysitting options.”

Ms. B, who was the lucky recipient of Mr. A’s pizza delivery driving job was surprisingly unappreciative of the president’s kindness: “I’ve been out of work for only two months, and I had my hopes set on finding a job in my profession and had some good leads, but my name came up in the job transfer lottery.  I don’t get it.  Other people have been out of work longer, including actual pizza delivery people.  It’s hard to make the transition from being a brain surgeon to delivering pizzas, and I heard that once we got our job assignments, we are stuck with them and cannot leave them for a better position. Is that true?  Oh my God!”

23 June 2011

Due to unexpected shortages in many formerly-well-paid professions, President Obama is mandating that every second baby born in America be designated as a future doctor, teacher, scientist, astronaut, etc.  These babies will be educated–regardless of interest, skill, ambition, ability or desire–in their assigned profession.  Because so many Americans are now babysitting once or twice a year to qualify for their national union pay and benefits, the president is confident that the newly-designated future professionals will be well-cared for until such time as they can grow up, learn their assigned profession, and begin performing these jobs.

Until then, the President admitted, not much will be accomplished in terms of work outside the now very popular babysitting profession.  He did not take questions on the new government mandate that each American be formally “deemed” to have worked, due to no one actually needing a babysitter any longer.

When asked how much longer we could continue to borrow from foreign governments the money to pay every American their guaranteed national union salary and benefits, the president suffered a momentary and very worrying inability to hear.  When he’d recovered, the president explained that “without hospitals, first-responders, a military, schools, courts, construction, farms, manufacturing, or anything other than babysitters, the country only appears to be in decline.  It’s not.  In fact, our economy is booming, just ask Nancy Pelosi.”

The President is confident that in twenty or thirty years, we’ll see an uptick in non-babysitting jobs because of the new “assigned profession” initiative.  “We’ll get there.  After all, it’s not,” he says, “unlike the way that my administration pushed gas prices up to $8 per gallon before we had an actual alternative energy supply source in place.  We exceeded my goal by a dollar a gallon, and now no one drives at all, and the oceans have stopped rising and the earth is beginning to heal  . . . just like I said would happen.”  As he gracefully pranced to Air Force One to join Oprah and Paul McCartney for a lobster and champagne global sight-seeing and golfing tour, he added, “Shared sacrifice for The Greater Good is always difficult for everyone.”

June 30, 2011

A source close to the White House has revealed a new “relocation” initiative that entails the mandatory relocation of millions of American parents.  Apparently, the president’s various commissions have determined that in order to ensure that every community is served by the right number of each profession, the parents of babies assigned to specific future jobs will need to relocate accordingly.   We’ll have more on this as it develops.