Fussy on America, AGW, and Abortion

Fussy again.  Yeah, yeah, I know that I’m supposed to–via presidential EO 31 million and something (who can keep track?)–be providing a balanced (i.e. progressive–the only viable, worthwhile, acceptable) viewpoint to counteract the neanderthal, teabagger view you are used to on this blog, but she just hasn’t written anything for me to respond to.  It’s not like I have a work ethic or anything, either.  The FCC pays me six figures every year whether I write anything or not.  Tax payers are wonderful, if truly stupid, things.

I like hearing myself talk, though, so I thought I’d share with you a couple of top beliefs of progressive thinkers so that you can understand how and why we are right about everything under the sun.  Most importantly, you need to understand why all other  thoughts, beliefs, and ideas must be silenced, banned, abolished, and destroyed.  We do not permit and certainly will not tolerate wrong thoughts.

America — Because you rightwing nutjobs can’t understand the nuance of our elevated thoughts about America, I’ll try to break it down for you (that’s why the FCC assigned me to this blog, after all).  On the one hand, we recognize America as the most violent nation ever ever to exist in the history of the whole universe and beyond.  I bring up that America is a cruel gruesome death factory imperialist swamp of human rights violations, oppressions, repressions, depressions, and other atrocities, and I’m sure you teabaggers are frothing at the mouth.  It’s kinda funny because–duuuuuuude–we all totally know how America is a destructive, capitalist force bent on something really bad related to demeaning minorities, exploiting the poor, oppressing third world countries, and enacting or whatever postcolonialism.

While I can’t remember how that exact argument goes and burned up my notes from my po-co class in a big metal drum at the last G-8 protest right before my fellow walker on the path of free expression threw said drum through a nearby window, I do know that it’s all related.  America is rich, and it couldn’t be rich if all the other countries weren’t poor.  Get it?! By being one of the richest countries in the world (thank Gaia or maybe Gaea, America is no longer the richest), we STOLE from everyone else!!!  No wonder we progressives hate America so much.

That’s point the other hand, too.  So in addition to making sure that America is taken down a few bazillion pegs and made to bow to the true leaders of the world, we also have to make sure that all that money you greedy capitalist swine hoard gets redistributed equally.  Of course, we progressives are more equal than you teabaggers, so you get nothing.  That’s only fair because of the social, environmental, economic, and everything else injustices that we are correcting.  America sucks, and the sooner it’s bankrupted the better!

See, the best thing in the world to us is the end result of our plans.  Imagine living in a poverty-stricken America that has no power, no wealth, no economy to speak of, no military, no defenses, no voice, no presence on the world stage!  Wow, I just live for that day when we progressives are kings, queens, and unidentified-but-completely-worthwhile-nongenders of the greatest borderless non-nation, lead-from-behind country in the world!

Once we’ve destroyed capitalism and shaken free from the shackles of liberty, we’ll be able, finally, to live our dream of using our resources to sustain forever every other nation on earth.  Sure, sure, it sounds like we won’t have any resources left after we’ve pillaged and plundered them all and amassed them for the political elite or given them back to their rightful owners among the other nations of the world, but that’s not true.  We can totally deplete our economic, energy-based, and entrepreneurial  resources, take all of the money from the dirty 1%, eliminate private enterprise, eliminate–by impoverishing–the middle classes, and still be a rich nation.  Nothing will change in our daily lives, nothing at all.  You rightwing nutjobs are just too stupid to understand the nuance.

That’s totally not my problem.

Environment — The only thing I love more than our vision of an impoverished, weakened, defeated (but with my life completely untouched by any of that stuff) America is the Mother Earth.  I always attend enviro rallies and make sure to litter as much as possible while there.  After all, I’m a progressive, my litter is like manna for Mother Earth, and it’s amazing how the Mother Earth absorbs our litter but rebels when we and cows fart.  She’s a tricky mistress, but I’m convinced that we can master her vagaries.  For example, there is already a totally total consensus among all journalists, progressive bloggers, progressive politicians, and UN members that humans are responsible for global warming, so all we need to do is tax companies (and soon individuals) who put any CO2 at all into the air!  Obviously and clearly, this will confound Mother Earth, and she will begin to cool again.  Duuuuuh!!!

The earth is on the verge of complete global meltdown, and the only people who CARE are we fabulous progressives.  Remember back in 2007 when the Goracle intoned that “in five years, the North Pole’s polar ice cap will have disappeared completely“?  It’s BEEN five years since he said that!  The North Pole is GONE.  Do you understand how awful that is?!!  I’m so sad for all the dead polar bears and seals and stuff.  And I’m really worried that now that the North Pole has vanished we’ll all be drowned and then burned up by the sun or by the earth that is literally several millions of degrees hot just below the surface.  I’m not sure, exactly, how that all works, but I know, for sure, that global warming is real and that the polar bears and seals and stuff are only the first victims.  They’ve all been drowned because there is NO ICE at all at the North Pole, and they can’t get out of the water that is probably close to boiling temperatures by now.

Tonight, I light a candle and hold my breath for as long as possible for the dead, dying, and treading-water-because-there’s-no-ice polar bears, seals, and stuff.  They were denied their North Pole icy home because of our wanton use of fossil fuels and our failure to tax everyone for breathing!!!!  That’s right!!!  For your information, when you exhale, you POISON the earth with your CO2 emissions which is just like burning a bazillion pounds of coal and oil and rain forests and atom bombs and volcanoes.  What is wrong with you crazy right wingers?  How can you dare breathe when there are polar bear lives at stake?  And don’t even talk to me about plants needing CO2 to produce oxygen.  This is a lie.  A LIE.  As T. S. Elliot writes, “You’re a big, fat liar, pants on fire!”

You flat-earther denier skeptics make my blood boil almost as hot as the temperature of the earth beneath our feet (and that’s SEVERAL MILLION DEGREES!). If you dare say that the earth hasn’t warmed in 15 years . . . well, I’ll hold my breath and then kick you in the shin!  Then I’ll call you a denier, a flat earther, and a RAAACIST!  That’ll show you!!!!! Look, there’s a consensus.  A consensus.  Do you need me to explain what that word means?  It means that everyone, literally everyone, agrees!

Note from the FCC:  If you know of someone, anyone, who expresses even the slightest doubt about anthropomorphic global warming climate change  disruption please send a quick report to flagthefishy@attackwatch.whitehouse.com.  Please do not put “climate disruption” in the subject heading; we haven’t yet settled on this as a vague enough term to replace “global warming.”  Note, too, that we are not in any way monitoring draft posts on  this blog or its contents.  This is a random, computer-generated note that is random and computer-generated.  Any resemblance to logical placement and Fourth Amendment abuses is purely unintentional and coincidental.

Anyways, we progressives believe a bunch of other things, but I have to get going now.  There’s this great rally supporting the abortion of 0-24-month-old cell clumps, and I really don’t want to be late.  It’s bad enough when women are punished with a baby and suddenly want an abortion in the final week of pregnancy and can’t get it, but just think how awful it is for the woman stuck with a 24-month-old cell clump!  They don’t call them “the terrible twos” for nothing!  Anyways, I got a great idea from my intro post and need to go finger paint my rally sign using my own poop.

Up twinkles!

 

Fussy’s Take on the Bundy Ranch, Benghazi, and Her Taxpayer-Funded Race Change Operation

Fussy here.  I really wish that our guys at the FCC or the NSA could make it so’s I could have my own log in, but hey, I can use that Fuzzy person’s, so it doesn’t matter.  Wanna know her password?  I have it.  Obviously.  And so does everyone from the Cincinnati office of the IRS to the Muslim Outreach and Pep Talk Agency (formerly known as NASA).  But anyways, since she’s not posting, I thought I’d offer my rebuttal to all you rightwing nutjobs on the events of the day.

About that Bundy ranch family of domestic terrorists.  Duuuuude.  Seriously?  You go 20 years without paying your grazing fees and expect the federal government NOT to drone you into a dust puddle?  Hmph!  I have no patience with such idiocy.  And that claim that BLM slaughtered that domestic terrorist’s cattle?  It’s like John Milton wrote in Paradise Road, “show me the beef!”  There are laws, LAWS I say, and failing to follow them-except in the case of gay marriage, illegal immigration, voter fraud, Democrats failing to pay taxes, and unconstitutional presidential overreach (and maybe others that I can’t think of right now because some laws are just so stupid that I ignore them)–carries the death-by-drone penalty.  That’s how our democracy works.  After all, if you have nothing to hide, have paid all your grazing fees and stuff, and support the glorious revolution for fundamental transformation, you don’t have to fear being droned.

RAAACISTS!

About that whole Benghazi fake scandal drummed up by bored Koch brother minions.  Where’s the proof that an American ambassador was raped, tortured, and killed?  You can’t prove it, can you!  See?!!!

Oh. You can? Well, so what?!  Duuuuude, that was like two, maybe even three!, years ago.  We in the progressive movement have a saying, “if we did it and it happened within the last two days, we’ll apologize without meaning it, but longer than that, we just ask ‘What difference, at this point, does it make?’.”  This whole studying history thing and remembering what happened a year or two ago needs to be nipped in the bud.

Oh.  And RAAACISTS!!!!

I like to throw that in every conversation for good measure.  After all, who wore those pointy KKK hoods?  Yep, good-for-nothing Republicans!  As an aside, I have to admit that my hood, provided by the DNC, looks fantastic on me.  It brings out the green in my eyes, especially when I stand extra close to a burning cross on some hateful RAAACIST’s front yard. I think that my using some left over vaginal glitter on my hood really added that extra ooomph!

I have, recently, been considering eye replacement surgery; I’m not sure this is available yet, but if it isn’t it should be because frankly, I am disturbed by my own attraction to my green eyes and think that, because I am really a black person inside, I should get a free race change operation.  Not only would this alleviate my hatred of my attraction to my own green eyes, but it would be a recognition of my right to be what I truly am inside: an African American.  Well, I might be Latina inside.  Or maybe Native American.  I have to think about which offers the best opportunities, but all of those people have brown eyes, probably, so I want to get started on my race reassignment surgery right away.  ObamaCare probably covers it!  After all, I have the basic human right to finally be truly and really authentic and authentically truly real.

Up twinkles!

 

Introducing FCC-Mandated Guest Blogger, Fussy Slippers

Special note from the FCC:  In keeping with EO 31,343,667, this rightwing nutjob blog has been assigned a rational (i.e. progressive) guest blogger who will be offering the now-required balancing viewpoint to the Fox News-inspired, Koch brothers-funded (well, probably), domestic “terrorist” viewpoint.  The blogger assigned to this blog has a life-long affiliation with the progressive movement and is an environmentalist-occupier-vegan-social justice community organizer who majored in postcolonialist-feminist-Marxist-women’s studies education and frequently and randomly uses literary references and quotations to demonstrate her superior intellect as is required of all progressive bloggers.  Try not to be intimidated by her obvious superiority because you are required, by presidential decree, to read her posts.  It is preferred that you read only her posts, but this is still a free country. For now.

Wow!  That’s some intro from my brother-in-law, huh?   I’d so totally blush if I were capable of pride, which I am not because pride is a negative emotion that only white, privileged western males allow to bloat their ego.  I have no ego, either, in case you were wondering.  Ego, as I like to quote Shakespeare, is what goesetheth before a fall.  I do have some bloat, though, which I think is due to my earth-conscious, vegan-inspired all broccoli sprouts diet.  I have a great sprouting system that I bought with my SNAP card from this totally groovy patchouli salesperson.  I don’t mind the bloat, though, as I am happy to suffer for the cause as so many before me have done like in slave times.  I’m worried about all the farting, though.  I think that’s bad for the ozone.  Or maybe it’s global warming.  But I have noticed that my farts attract my fellow progressives to my personal space, so I’m looking at it like a mating call.

Anyways, this Fuzzy Slippers person hasn’t blogged in a good long time, so I don’t have a lot to respond to yet.  She’s probably busy sewing a snake onto a flag or something; you rightwing nutjobs do the oddest things in your spare time.  Me?  I like to finger paint signs for my next protest and poop in shop doorways.  At least I contribute, ya know?

So you probably want to know a little more about me.  I’m Fussy, and I like things to go my way.  If they don’t, I like to hold my breath, stomp my foot, and then release my breath in a gushing backwards gasp while I loudly explain why I hate-hate-hate hate and will never ever tolerate intolerance.  If there were no hate and intolerance in this world, I’d not have to be so totally filled with hate and intolerance.  So it’s my mission–well, one of my missions, right up there with campaigning for a ban on women shaving their armpits–to eliminate everyone else’s hate and intolerance.

Anyways, more about me.  There’s really not much I like talking about as much as I like talking about me.  And how I think the world should be.  Like wouldn’t it be great if those self-centered, self-absorbed, me-me-me teabaggers would get a grip and realize that everything is not about them?  Here’s a relevant quote from Dylan Thomas (he’s a totally famous Muslim-African-American female poet from the Middle East, by the way):  “I would not like them here or there; I would not like them anywhere.”  As you can see, Dylan Thomas, herself, loathed the teabaggers, and that’s good enough for me.

Well, it’s getting late, and I have to unplug my carlet so I can hum off at an earth-saving 12 miles per hour to my “save the planet, kill a conservative” meeting at the coffee house.  We’re expecting a record turnout of two, including me, this time, so I don’t want to be later than usual.

Up twinkles!

Fuzzy’s Faux News: President’s Obama’s Racial Parity Plan

April 11, 2014

Among the announcements that the Obama administration made today was the exciting mention of a plan to ensure racial fairness and equality in America.  Distressed that African Americans make up only 14% of the American population, the Obama administration is in talks with the designers of China’s “One Child” policy to hammer out a means of growing this important segment of our population.  The goal is to limit the number of children that whites and, to a lesser extent, Hispanics and other non-African Americans can have, so that the African American population can grow to equal the number of whites over the next three decades.  The details of this plan have not been revealed, but some that have been released include a halt to all births of whites for a decade and a restriction on the number of children whites (and others, not African American) can have in the two decades that follow.

Another detail that was revealed is the potentially-controversial banning of abortion among America’s African American population; however, this ban will not affect access to this vital healthcare treatment for whites and, to a lesser degree, Hispanics, Asians, and those races that are difficult to codify but that are definitely not African American.  “This is a matter not only of national security, the nation’s economy, the environment, childhood obesity, and gun control” Obama noted at a recent fund-raiser/golf outing, “but it is a vital step in ensuring that the black voice is heard in America.  Can you imagine any other nation on earth allowing such a disparity in numbers of its voting demographics population segments as we have here? It just doesn’t happen in the 21st century.  This racial injustice, this disenfranchisement of the black voice must be remedied!”

Some have noted that this will mean a sharp decline in abortions because African Americans make up the majority of all aborted babies in many states.  Noting the concern of abortion care providers who are worried they will lose tax payer funding and other revenue, President Obama explained that he was going to make up the loss by requiring that all white women who are carrying a white, potentially white, or suspected white baby have an abortion.  This, he assures us, will only be in place for one decade, to “give others a chance.  It’s only fair that the African American population meet the numbers of the white population.  How can anyone reject this fundamental premise that Jesus talks about in the Bible and that such stars as Pajama Boy and that guy with the hat extol in tax payer funded rap videos?”

There is also some push back from progressives who are, according to President Obama, not adjusting their eugenic vision for the new world order and are “stuck in the 19th Century.”  Upon hearing this charge, the recalcitrant progressives promptly blushed, shuffled their feet uncomfortably, voted by finger up twinkles, and began hailing the president’s wonderful new plan for racial equality.  In a subtle message to Russia’s Vladimir Putin, the president beamed at them and gave a special “shout out” to them for their proper response to his corrective taunt.

April 17, 2014

Responding to outrage from conservatives who are already saying that they will refuse government-mandated abortions and forced sterilization, President Obama remained his usual unruffled, calm, majestic self.  “Some people are calling me a fascist and are talking me about me like I’m a dog because I champion equality, because I stand firm in transforming this nation into the one I envision,” President Obama intoned at a recent pre-taped press conference at which we all watched a video of the president’s remarks.  “These people are unAmerican and are clearly brainwashed by Fox News.  Any white person who does not volunteer for the government sterilization program or agree not to have children for 10, possibly 30ish, years is clearly a racist, maybe even a traitor. All these so-called ‘black conservatives’ who are outraged should add themselves to this list; I hereby deem them no longer black.  And that’s official!”  The video is paused here, and we in the press corpse cheer enthusiastically!  After we quieted down, Jay Carney pushed the “play” button for us.  President Obama concluded, “How can anyone reject the sensible plans for racial equality that I have laid out?  They cannot! Luckily, I have my pen and my phone, and with these, I will ensure that my racial justice, equality, parity, fairest fair fairness for all plan be enforced by every agency from the DOJ to the IRS to the EPA to NASA!”

Support “the” Troops?!

Okay, so I may be a bit over-sensitive in this leftist-ruled semantics-are-king world into which we’ve been thrust, but I was standing at the check-out line at some convenience store and noticed a Bic lighter display:

LCRT1USO_series2At first, I thought, aw, this is great!  I should buy one!  But I looked again and noted that the usual “Support Our Troops” has been replaced by “Support The Troops.”

Hmmm.

I guess I don’t really need to point out the difference, the enormous connotative difference here, so I won’t.  But a little part of me wilted when I saw the “USO” added at the bottom.  To be fair, when you go to the USO page, they do write of “our” troops, our men and women, American patriots and heroes.

Our troops.

But not in this Bic campaign that (apparently) ended late last year.  Here we support “the” troops.  What troops?  Not ours, I guess, but “the” troops.  Some troops, all troops, whatever troops.  Color me touchy, but I don’t like it.

Language matters.