Fussy again. Yeah, yeah, I know that I’m supposed to–via presidential EO 31 million and something (who can keep track?)–be providing a balanced (i.e. progressive–the only viable, worthwhile, acceptable) viewpoint to counteract the neanderthal, teabagger view you are used to on this blog, but she just hasn’t written anything for me to respond to. It’s not like I have a work ethic or anything, either. The FCC pays me six figures every year whether I write anything or not. Tax payers are wonderful, if truly stupid, things.
I like hearing myself talk, though, so I thought I’d share with you a couple of top beliefs of progressive thinkers so that you can understand how and why we are right about everything under the sun. Most importantly, you need to understand why all other thoughts, beliefs, and ideas must be silenced, banned, abolished, and destroyed. We do not permit and certainly will not tolerate wrong thoughts.
America — Because you rightwing nutjobs can’t understand the nuance of our elevated thoughts about America, I’ll try to break it down for you (that’s why the FCC assigned me to this blog, after all). On the one hand, we recognize America as the most violent nation ever ever to exist in the history of the whole universe and beyond. I bring up that America is a cruel gruesome death factory imperialist swamp of human rights violations, oppressions, repressions, depressions, and other atrocities, and I’m sure you teabaggers are frothing at the mouth. It’s kinda funny because–duuuuuuude–we all totally know how America is a destructive, capitalist force bent on something really bad related to demeaning minorities, exploiting the poor, oppressing third world countries, and enacting or whatever postcolonialism.
While I can’t remember how that exact argument goes and burned up my notes from my po-co class in a big metal drum at the last G-8 protest right before my fellow walker on the path of free expression threw said drum through a nearby window, I do know that it’s all related. America is rich, and it couldn’t be rich if all the other countries weren’t poor. Get it?! By being one of the richest countries in the world (thank Gaia or maybe Gaea, America is no longer the richest), we STOLE from everyone else!!! No wonder we progressives hate America so much.
That’s point the other hand, too. So in addition to making sure that America is taken down a few bazillion pegs and made to bow to the true leaders of the world, we also have to make sure that all that money you greedy capitalist swine hoard gets redistributed equally. Of course, we progressives are more equal than you teabaggers, so you get nothing. That’s only fair because of the social, environmental, economic, and everything else injustices that we are correcting. America sucks, and the sooner it’s bankrupted the better!
See, the best thing in the world to us is the end result of our plans. Imagine living in a poverty-stricken America that has no power, no wealth, no economy to speak of, no military, no defenses, no voice, no presence on the world stage! Wow, I just live for that day when we progressives are kings, queens, and unidentified-but-completely-worthwhile-nongenders of the greatest borderless non-nation, lead-from-behind country in the world!
Once we’ve destroyed capitalism and shaken free from the shackles of liberty, we’ll be able, finally, to live our dream of using our resources to sustain forever every other nation on earth. Sure, sure, it sounds like we won’t have any resources left after we’ve pillaged and plundered them all and amassed them for the political elite or given them back to their rightful owners among the other nations of the world, but that’s not true. We can totally deplete our economic, energy-based, and entrepreneurial resources, take all of the money from the dirty 1%, eliminate private enterprise, eliminate–by impoverishing–the middle classes, and still be a rich nation. Nothing will change in our daily lives, nothing at all. You rightwing nutjobs are just too stupid to understand the nuance.
That’s totally not my problem.
Environment — The only thing I love more than our vision of an impoverished, weakened, defeated (but with my life completely untouched by any of that stuff) America is the Mother Earth. I always attend enviro rallies and make sure to litter as much as possible while there. After all, I’m a progressive, my litter is like manna for Mother Earth, and it’s amazing how the Mother Earth absorbs our litter but rebels when we and cows fart. She’s a tricky mistress, but I’m convinced that we can master her vagaries. For example, there is already a totally total consensus among all journalists, progressive bloggers, progressive politicians, and UN members that humans are responsible for global warming, so all we need to do is tax companies (and soon individuals) who put any CO2 at all into the air! Obviously and clearly, this will confound Mother Earth, and she will begin to cool again. Duuuuuh!!!
The earth is on the verge of complete global meltdown, and the only people who CARE are we fabulous progressives. Remember back in 2007 when the Goracle intoned that “in five years, the North Pole’s polar ice cap will have disappeared completely“? It’s BEEN five years since he said that! The North Pole is GONE. Do you understand how awful that is?!! I’m so sad for all the dead polar bears and seals and stuff. And I’m really worried that now that the North Pole has vanished we’ll all be drowned and then burned up by the sun or by the earth that is literally several millions of degrees hot just below the surface. I’m not sure, exactly, how that all works, but I know, for sure, that global warming is real and that the polar bears and seals and stuff are only the first victims. They’ve all been drowned because there is NO ICE at all at the North Pole, and they can’t get out of the water that is probably close to boiling temperatures by now.
Tonight, I light a candle and hold my breath for as long as possible for the dead, dying, and treading-water-because-there’s-no-ice polar bears, seals, and stuff. They were denied their North Pole icy home because of our wanton use of fossil fuels and our failure to tax everyone for breathing!!!! That’s right!!! For your information, when you exhale, you POISON the earth with your CO2 emissions which is just like burning a bazillion pounds of coal and oil and rain forests and atom bombs and volcanoes. What is wrong with you crazy right wingers? How can you dare breathe when there are polar bear lives at stake? And don’t even talk to me about plants needing CO2 to produce oxygen. This is a lie. A LIE. As T. S. Elliot writes, “You’re a big, fat liar, pants on fire!”
You flat-earther denier skeptics make my blood boil almost as hot as the temperature of the earth beneath our feet (and that’s SEVERAL MILLION DEGREES!). If you dare say that the earth hasn’t warmed in 15 years . . . well, I’ll hold my breath and then kick you in the shin! Then I’ll call you a denier, a flat earther, and a RAAACIST! That’ll show you!!!!! Look, there’s a consensus. A consensus. Do you need me to explain what that word means? It means that everyone, literally everyone, agrees!
Note from the FCC: If you know of someone, anyone, who expresses even the slightest doubt about
anthropomorphic global warming climate change disruption please send a quick report to email@example.com. Please do not put “climate disruption” in the subject heading; we haven’t yet settled on this as a vague enough term to replace “global warming.” Note, too, that we are not in any way monitoring draft posts on this blog or its contents. This is a random, computer-generated note that is random and computer-generated. Any resemblance to logical placement and Fourth Amendment abuses is purely unintentional and coincidental.
Anyways, we progressives believe a bunch of other things, but I have to get going now. There’s this great rally supporting the abortion of 0-24-month-old cell clumps, and I really don’t want to be late. It’s bad enough when women are punished with a baby and suddenly want an abortion in the final week of pregnancy and can’t get it, but just think how awful it is for the woman stuck with a 24-month-old cell clump! They don’t call them “the terrible twos” for nothing! Anyways, I got a great idea from my intro post and need to go finger paint my rally sign using my own poop.