Fuzzy’s Faux News: AGW Out, EGF In

January 1, 2024

In the wake of Guam tipping over and sinking into the Pacific Ocean last month, Representative Hank Johnson (D-GA) is being hailed as a prophet.  His prescient question at a House Armed Services Committee in 2010 was mocked far and wide at the time, but Prophet Johnson is having the last laugh.  And laugh he is, though he is insistent that he finds no humor in the hundreds of thousands of people who were killed in The Great Guam Capsizing (TGGC) of 2023.

Emperor King High Messiah Obama was quick to reach out to Prophet Johnson and seek his wise counsel as ObamAmerika searches for ways to address the deep problems that TGGC revealed.  Stating his firm resolve to protect not only ObamAmerika but the world from such future catastrophes, Emperor King High Messiah Obama has reestablished his political scientist teams from back in the days before His High and Most Revered Government single-handedly stopped anthropomorphic global warming (AGW) in the twenty-teens, allowing us all freedom from fossil fuel energy and from the burdens of a booming economy.

March 2, 2024

Following two months of imaginative brain-storming and story boarding, Emperor King High Messiah Obama’s crack team of political scientists have discovered the irrefutable and now-settled fact, truth, verity that the earth’s gravitational field (EGF) is in clear and present danger.  Citing the fact that Guam never corrected (the scientific term is “uncapsized”) as well as some convincing scientific evidence having to do with faulty gravity fields and imbalanced, unfair distribution of the globe’s populace, the team has concluded that the entire planet is, once again, in danger of complete destruction.  If the world’s people are not moved to strategic locations to counter-balance the earth’s axis and reestablish the EGF within five (5) years, the report reveals, the EGF will cease to function, and everything that is not rooted will float into space.  Everything not latched down will cause massive space littering, and all people and animals (insects, fish, etc.) will die when they become “de-gravitized” by the loss of the EGF.

“Time is of the essence,” intoned Emperor King High Messiah Obama.  “ObamAmerika will rise to the challenge and set the example for the global community.  Prophet Johnson will begin immediately identifying at-risk islands–those most likely to capsize before our full plan to realign the planet and restore the EGF can be implemented.  From these islands, the people and their heavier belongings will be relocated to the stabilizer regions identified by our great nation’s greatest scientists.”

“To that end,” continued Emperor King High Messiah Obama, “I am proud to disband and reassign all ObamAmerika military forces as follows: the Navy (and its Marine contingent) will become the EGF U-Haul Division, responsible for packing and loading moving vans, ships, etc.; the Air Force will be the “eyes in the sky,” alerting hundreds of executive branch agencies to any signs of potential capsizing of the world’s islands.  They will continue in this function until the population can be fully moved to the EGF stabilizer free zones; the Army will be the construction crews who will begin at once building EGF-friendly federal family communities in those areas (aka EGF stabilizer zones or EGFSZs) deemed essential to maintaining the planet’s EGF.  Other military structures and organizations, such as the Coast Guard, will be put to good use for The Greater Good that is yet to be determined.”

Emperor King High Messiah Obama then rallied the people of ObamAmerika as only He can: “Arise, my children, my loving and loyal pets!  Answer the call of your Leader, your Country, the World!  Begin now!  Destroy your heavier–and therefore destructive to the earth’s gravitational field–appliances, turn in your cars, trucks, and other large, heavy possessions to the nearest Government Office for the Protection of Gravity.  Do it now, and be vastly rewarded when you are moved to the new EGF zones of concentrated population that will–I promise!–restore the earth’s gravitational field! Period.”

“Only this move will secure the future gravitational stability of the planet, and you will be fed government-approved nutritional gruel, housed in mile-high dormitories, assigned work and leisure time; your life will have new meaning as you work with me to stop the reversal of gravity that threatens all living, half-living, once-living, soon-to-be-living, and may never live but still deserve dignity and respect and tolerance and My love!”

June 23, 2024

As the six regional ObamAmerika EGF zones fill up with people who have been redistributed to meet the planet’s gravitational needs, there has been a lot of resistance from the once-thought effectively silenced and disbanded so-called conservative and libertarian groups.  These groups do still exist despite their being outlawed under penalty of death by our Most High Obama in late November of 2016 after he dismantled Congress, rewrote the Constitution, and brought the Supreme Court into the Executive Branch.

Although we are loathe to give credence to these radical, anti-science zealots, some of their messaging appears to be hampering the Great Cause of Our Time, EGF.  With that in mind, we want to address their ridiculous claims so that you, dear readers and loyal ObamAmerikans, will not trouble your heads with their flights of fancy.  Remember, these are the same laughable morons who claim that Ted Cruz actually won the 2016 presidential election that, only by happenstance, preceded the Emperor King High Messiah Obama’s proper restructuring of the old “America” and its dated, clunky government apparatus laid out in that silly, almost-forgotten “Constitution.”

These groups argue several points that are, frankly and by this ObamAmerikan reporter’s word of honor, disgraceful, treasonous, and blasphemous against Emperor King High Messiah Obama’s unchallenged Messiahdom.  They say that Guam did not capsize, that the majority of the people of Guam were annihilated by ObamAmerika nuclear bombs, that the few survivors have been broadcasting from that lost island via (get this!) ham radio, that the earth’s gravitational field is not at risk, that the EGF crisis is but a means to an end first dreamed up in the last century and having to do with the UN’s Agenda 21, and a few other silly assertions (for example, that the EGF crisis is yet another “hoax” like the hole in the ozone and the AGW threat. Imagine!).

These claims are easily refuted, of course.  Guam did capsize and we know this because the Great and Marvelous Truth-Teller Obama has told us so.  We also have pictures that clearly depict open expanses of ocean where we have been told Guam once stood.  Their treasonous claims that they have accessed the long-defunct Google Earth and have satellite images of the island, still upright, make this claim all the more laughable.  No one can access that awful, treasonous technology.  Emperor King High Messiah Obama has told us that it is no longer accessible.  Case closed.  Ditto the claims of nuclear bombs and “ham” radio!  And who are they, troglodytes and illiterates one and all, to claim they have any knowledge of the complex science of gravity?  Ha!  We at FNN scoff openly at these claims!  As to that old boogey-man the UN’s Agenda 21; no one is forcing anyone to move to the EGF stabilizer free zones!  ObamAmerikans are simply being given their own free choice: move to these zones as patriots and free citizens of the planet or be killed on the spot as a traitor and threat to global gravitational stability.  They have a choice here, after all, so it’s not “tyranny” as they claim.

We urge you to join the truly enlightened citizens of ObamAmerika and reject the childish, anti-intellectual ideas perpetrated by traitors and terrorists.  Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that what Emperor King High Messiah Obama and the Prophet Johnson say is final and true; add in the entire scientific community, who all agree with no dissent whatsoever of any kind ever, that the EGF crisis is real, and you can clearly see who is on the right side of history here.